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Old 04-04-2011, 09:48 PM
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MindfulAgony MindfulAgony is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 192

Originally Posted by TL4everu2 View Post
No. Per L's request. She is not comfortable with me going out alone with anyone right now. And if I find someone who I like, she must be bi, so we are all together the first few times. This is so that L can feel more comfortable with the woman. I respect that, and therefore don't look for any women who are not bi. The problem, is that even here in a large city like Tampa bay, there are only 3 pages of women who match my criteria and live within a 50 mile radius of me.

In her defense, I do something similar with her. (albeit for different reasons) I go out wiht her on her first few dates with a guy. I do this to let the guy know that I AM her husband, but more importantly, to make sure she doesn't get put into a bad or dangerous situation. This is also per her request.

I recently said what you did... about looking for straight women also....but it isn't something she is comfortable wait patiently. Today, I pointed out a woman who was straight. This woman was an 84% match for me....but to my wife, this woman was only a 63% match. She said "See? We'll never find a woman who is a match for both of us.". So I pointed her to the last guy who was a good "match" for her. He was like a 92% match to her, but a 66% match to well as a 33% enemy to me. I turned it around and said "See? We'll never find a guy who is a match to both of us".......but whatever.

I need to stop posting right now...My back is killing me, and I'm irratable...Which may cause me to type things that I don't mean...Or things which are simply mean. I WANT this to work......But don't know how.
Unfortunately, her restriction is way more restricting than yours. Even though there are many more bi women than (openly) bi guys. Insisting that you attend the first several dates with a new person is just not in the same category as insisting that you find a bi girl that will have a relationship with both of you.

If I were in your situation - because of the vast difference in degree of difficulty - I wouldn't do them in parralel. You absolutely risk having the poly experiment going down in flames because one partner is - structurally not because anyone is acting badly - left out in the cold.

Find the unicorn first. No other relationships pursued. Thusly, everyone has the same skin in the game, everyone is experiencing the same frustrations, eveyone is dedicating the same time and attention on the problem. Once unicorn is located, compatibiliity assessed and woo'd, then you can proceed with other poly adventures.

As it stands, seems like set up for failure given the conditions, location, and personalities involved. Because it is what I would call a "structural problem," you increase your chances of fixing it with a structural solution.

Finding a compatible unicorn (I guess we don't call them that for nothing) will not get any easier. It will take time, patience, and continued frustration. OKCupid is not going to solve those problem for you, even if it can facilitate the process of identification and assessment.

I do hope your prospects improve.
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Instead of getting better and better at avoiding, learn to accept the present moment as if you had invited it. And work with it instead of against it. And making it your ally rather than your enemy.
-Pema Chodron

Last edited by MindfulAgony; 04-04-2011 at 09:50 PM.
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