View Single Post
Old 04-04-2011, 01:44 PM
BlackUnicorn's Avatar
BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906

Poor you. You have had a really bad introduction to non-monogamy. I hope something you read on this forum and what other members will be hopefully able to post will make you see things a bit more clearly and start working through the pain (and BTW, your English is very understandable, which is much more important than fine grammatical points).

Originally Posted by Altea View Post
But me cheating and lying on my boyfriend felt just so wrong that I eventually broke up with him.
A good thing you realized where cheating leads so early. Polys cheat, too, but many 'naturally polyamorous' people are not very good at it, in my opinion.

Originally Posted by Altea View Post
This girl and my partner were in a kind of open relationship. But then it all collapsed. When it began to be serious with me and my partner this other girl started to hate me and even though we both tried to comfort her and I said I can give her as much time as she wants with 'our' partner, she just coulnd't help hating me.
'Polyamory' is just one flavour of non-monogamy. From what I understand, in 'open relationships' partners agree to have casual relationships without emotional intimacy with other people. Obviously your ex-metamour wasn't ready to move from 'open' to 'polyship'. Frankly, I'd say there's no crying over spilled milk. You can't force someone to start relating polyamorously no matter how much you love them.

Originally Posted by Altea View Post
He started to see me as his enemy, who would do the same thing as his former girl. He started to accuse me of everything wrong and always when he was angry he started shouting at me that he will go and have sex with other girls, and that he wishes I would not be attracted to him, and that we actually naver had sex with each other becouse sex lead to to much attachment. He said he would consider cheating on me behind my back because he is afraid I wouldn't let him see anyone else besides of me.
So he has been emotionally abusive to you, blaming you for the end of his previous relationship, devaluing the connection you two have, making threats etc. This is not a good solid foundation on which to start building up poly. Your bf sounds like he has issues with sex and intimacy which cannot be solved by you or by anyone else for that matter.

Originally Posted by Altea View Post
When I tried to make some basic rules for our relationship to make it work and to get to trust each other (like always knowing whom we are seing, having sex in a threesome when it's possible, to not let anyone out, he started saying that he don't want to respect any rules when it comes to having sex and seeing other people, because this is something that limits his personal freedom.
Do a tag search on boundaries. I would immediately say that letting everyone know with whom they are involved is just basic common courtesy, but agreeing to have sex if possible only in threesomes is an exceedingly bad idea. Why do you feel the need to do this? Are you bisexual? Do you desire to have emotional and sexual connections with women independent of your boyfriend, or is this something you want to do to alleviate your own issues with jealousy and insecurity?

Threesomes are no cure against jealousy, they can in fact make jealousy/insecurity issues that much worse.

Also, what do you mean by 'not letting anyone out'? Out of the relationship, like your ex-metamour left? The only person who can decide whether you stay in a relationship is you. It's not only impossible but highly unethical to think that once you 'capture' someone, they are in for a penny, in for a pound. I understand this is not the sentiment behind this since you feel guilty for 'letting' your first metamour go, but that is just not how relationships work, period.

This is such an odd statement that maybe I'm misinterpreting and you mean you don't want anyone feeling left out?

Originally Posted by Altea View Post
He always talked abot how much he wants sex with girls who wanted him but hated me, and said they have the right to hate me but I don't have the right to hate them, and he also said he can have sex with whomever he wants to even if that means that I will suffer or be laughed at by those girls.
Your bf has some serious anger issues and he DOES NOT respect you. Polyamory IS NOT 'do what you will, no one can limit your personal freedom'. People who think like that can't handle even one relationship, let alone multiple ones. We have the right to demand respect and honor from people we are willing to share our lives with.

Originally Posted by Altea View Post
With each passing day I felt more and more insecure. Slowly I started to feel jealous and paranoid. I started to limit my partner out of fear and my openness disappeared. I couldn't be happy while in a threesome because I felt insecure, I started to restrict my partner, telling him that I will leave as soon as he will have sex with one of the girls that hated me. I was even worse that him I guess just out of fear. I tried to talk to my partner but it always ended up in him saing he doesn't want any rules. And I wanted rules not to limit him, but to get close to each other and learn to trust each other.
So he infected you with his jealousy, insecurity and paranoia, and refused any attempts you made to solve the situation.

Originally Posted by Altea View Post
Now my partner is finally starting to be normal again. And he tries to make everything alright but I do not trust him anymore. I would love to have an polyamorious relationship but I'm so afraid and so scared that the bare thought of him talking to another girl makes me wanna cry. I feel I should talk it thrugh with him but I am afraid he will still not undrestand the need of some basic rules for some time. I really do like him and I never met anyone as close to me when it comes to hobbys, living habits, religion etc.

I just don't know how to make all this work.
You can have a happy, respectful polyamorous relationship with boundaries and agreements that everyone is happy with and that apply to everyone. Just perhaps not with this guy.

How old are you? Living with a person who behaves violently and has zero respect towards you will eat away your spirit, no matter how close your living habits are to each other. You do not trust him anymore and he has done nothing to help you rebuild that trust.

Why are you with someone who makes you feel like shit?
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower

Last edited by BlackUnicorn; 04-04-2011 at 01:48 PM.
Reply With Quote