I'm being confused
Hi everyone. I am new here and at first I wanted to apologize for me making mistakes, but English is not my first language. This post will be long, because I have so many questions and doubts, and I feel so confused.
When I was 17 I was in my first relationship. It was monogamious and lasted for more than 3 years. But after some time I felt attrackted to other people. Not only sexually but also emotionally. I never had sex with anyone else but my partner, tough I was dating someone for few months behind his back. He was very jealous and always said he would dump me if I ever even dated smeone else than him. But me cheating and lying on my boyfriend felt just so wrong that I eventually broke up with him.
After that I have been short-time-dating some people, but nothing serious. I didn't knew of polyamory by that time and felt there must be something wrong with me. I felt bad about me wanting to be with or sleep with other people while being in a realtionship. I didn't wanted to feel the way I felt about relationships, I was afraid.
About 2 years ago I have met my current partner. At first we were only seeing each other for sex. We both weren't looking for anything serious. At the same time we let each other sleep from time to time with other people and that was ok. He was living with a girl, he cherished and I felt good with it because I liked her and everything was looking good. This girl and my partner were in a kind of open relationship. But then it all collapsed. When it began to be serious with me and my partner this other girl started to hate me and even though we both tried to comfort her and I said I can give her as much time as she wants with 'our' partner, she just coulnd't help hating me. She moved out and some time later I moved in instead of her. Never again did she wanted to speak to my partner nor me and she vanished from our lives.
It was hard for my partner, which is something I understand, but it bagan to be difficult with us. We started to quarrel much and he sometimes accused me of taking her away from him. Each day I felt worse and worse and although I wanted everything to be ok, and I wanted to talk to that girl and bring her back to him and make everything alright I didn't managed it.
After few months everything felt good. My partner went over his love for the girl and I tried to be supportive, though it was hard sometimes and I even felt jealous that she meant so much to him. Me and my partner bacame friends- we loved to do the same things, had the same hobbys. But me partner was as he said 'afraid of relationships after his former girl dumped him because of me, although they decided to live in an open/poly relationship".
He started to see me as his enemy, who would do the same thing as his former girl. He started to accuse me of everything wrong and always when he was angry he started shouting at me that he will go and have sex with other girls, and that he wishes I would not be attracted to him, and that we actually naver had sex with each other becouse sex lead to to much attachment. He said he would consider cheating on me behind my back because he is afraid I wouldn't let him see anyone else besides of me. When I tried to make some basic rules for our relationship to make it work and to get to trust each other (like always knowing whom we are seing, having sex in a threesome when it's possible, to not let anyone out, he started saying that he don't want to respect any rules when it comes to having sex and seeing other people, because this is something that limits his personal freedom. He always talked abot how much he wants sex with girls who wanted him but hated me, and said they have the right to hate me but I don't have the right to hate them, and he also said he can have sex with whomever he wants to even if that means that I will suffer or be laughed at by those girls.
With each passing day I felt more and more insecure. Slowly I started to feel jealous and paranoid. I started to limit my partner out of fear and my openness disappeared. I couldn't be happy while in a threesome because I felt insecure, I started to restrict my partner, telling him that I will leave as soon as he will have sex with one of the girls that hated me. I was even worse that him I guess just out of fear. I tried to talk to my partner but it always ended up in him saing he doesn't want any rules. And I wanted rules not to limit him, but to get close to each other and learn to trust each other.
Now my partner is finally starting to be normal again. And he tries to make everything alright but I do not trust him anymore. I would love to have an polyamorious relationship but I'm so afraid and so scared that the bare thought of him talking to another girl makes me wanna cry. I feel I should talk it thrugh with him but I am afraid he will still not undrestand the need of some basic rules for some time. I really do like him and I never met anyone as close to me when it comes to hobbys, living habits, religion etc.
I just don't know how to make all this work.