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Old 04-03-2011, 03:50 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Victoria BC
Posts: 1,603
Default Navy perspective

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
...and why not for hubbies, too!

I read the 'poly and military' thread, which was nice and answered some of my questions of being out in the force. However, I've spied there are a few people here involved with (ex-) Army people. From the viewpoint of a secondary, I have a few questions;

1) How do you prevent yourself from going completely apeshit mad with worry when your sweetie hasn't answered in a few days and not automatically think they have been killed/wounded/captured? Does it get better with time?
You trust that no news is good news. If anything were to happen the next of kin would be contacted quite quickly. My husband hasn't ever been to an active war zone though so I don't know if I would worry a lot more if I didn't hear from him if he was somewhere more dangerous. Although with the navy unless there is news of a whole ship going down usually everything is ok.

2) I completely support my partner in doing what they have to do and what they do best, but I do feel resentment when I think that they could be pursuing a civil career and spending time cultivating relationships with their family at home instead. It's an irrational but a strong feeling nevertheless.
I feel the same way. I married a computer programmer and had expected that I would have a husband who I would come home to every night and that we would just have you're typical life. If he loves what he does though there really isn't going to be any talking him out of it.

3) As a new secondary, I feel I'm taking away too much energy from the more established relationship. With the little time available they have, I feel I'm stealing more than my fair share. I know micromanaging my partner's other relationships isn't included in my job description, but with the added difficulties deployment puts on a relationship, I feel I might be unhealthily filling a void that is created by distance in the primary relationship.

Any input from people who've experienced either side of being in the force would be greatly appreciated.
If he's assuring you that he has enough time and energy to give, trust in that. Military wives tend to be fairly self sufficient and are willing to do things alone. I don't feel like I'm giving up too much of "my" time for my husband's other relationship. Although I don't know in your case if they are still having date nights as well. As long as they are connecting and everyone says they are getting enough, trust that it's true. (Honestly I look forward to my evenings alone now, they are my self date nights).
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.
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