That’s the thing... the whole sex issue IS off the table for now... the problem for WW appears to be the real likelihood that it would come up. I am a physical touch person... being physically intimate with someone is the deepest level of how I can express myself to someone... and if I fell in love with someone he is absolutely right that I would very likely NEED that form of expression to be available to me, without it hurting him. Of course, any relationship would evolve naturally - but for me knowing that I was restricted in my ability to show my feelings it would taint any relationship... um
for example: my relationship with A - I have mentioned him before on this thread... from the descriptions of others on the forum he could be described as a non-sexual boyfriend... (not completely accurate but good enough for the purpose of this explanation) back when we first met, A was recovering from his divorce and I was just starting to realise the abuse I was suffering wasn't normal and that I didn't have to put up with it. We 'clicked' right away... but because of where we were in our lives at the time... got straight between each other exactly where we stood with each other and what those boundaries were. Because of that, we share the absolute deepest of friendships, love each other to the nth degree and can tell each other anything (he is the only friend I discuss poly with - despite him being a staunch mono and extremely possessive of everything in his life, he is supportive of me (at the same time that he thinks I am nuts
)) without fear of worrying if the other will be offended or turn tail and run away... we both know the other will always be there
(and just for timeline purposes I met A and was firm friends with him a couple of months or so prior to meeting WW)
WW is happy I have A in my life, and comfortable with our friendship... though he sometimes is concerned about the absolute trust I have in A.
To me if the boundaries had been put in place by someone other than myself and A... I would likely struggle against them
, the fact of them being there would feel to me like the relationship was not being explored to its full potential because of someone outside that relationship, and to me that is anathema... and I would resent feeling inhibited in my expression
, and I would be because I would be being very careful not to give off signals that could be misinterpreted, so as not to cause discomfort to the person I am trying to develop a friendship with, and also to not cause discomfort to WW.. this is just too complex for me... I tend to work on the policy of I am who I am and if you don't like what I say then bugger off... (noting I am not blunt or over the top, I just am not interested in pussy-footing around). It is more likely that with the restriction there – I would inhibit myself from forming friendships
simply to avoid any complications and misunderstandings that may or may not develop. Or, I would be constantly second-guessing myself and my expressions/behaviour
… none of which would be healthy.
Whereas, without the restriction I would feel free to develop friendships to their own natural depth, I would feel free to express myself naturally and would likely have within myself the natural resistance to developing those friendships further than WW would be comfortable with, simply due to my love and respect for him, and the level of discomfort I know he has regarding anything deeper. Any friendship that developed to the point I would want/need to cross those boundaries with… would have been developing with the full knowledge and active involvement of WW… at least that is how I would hope/expect things to be (I don’t expect to have completely separate friends from WW…)
I think a large part of his concern is that he might be thinking that if he decides to try to be okay with it, then I am going to want to try to contact T. I haven’t discussed that with him so it may not be a factor, but I think it is there.
Anyway, the point of this post was to say that sex is not on the table now or in the near future and I am pretty sure I stated that way back in October or November… that we are working through this now because it's needed as I am a touchy feely person and because I NEED to be able to express myself physically - whether that includes sex or not at the moment, at some point it is likely to become a factor, if there is someone else I fall in love with.