we forgot one here... it sounds like you drove her to a date that was far away and sat outside while she fucked the guy?
I caught up,,, finally
Originally Posted by pheonixaise
I apologize, I don't think you or full of shit, or that you are wrong. I suppose my biggest question, stepping out of my defense and anger, is if you have been dealing with similar problems for two years, what is the point of the complexity?
I changed my mind. I am not at all like her. Similarities: Attachment parenting, lots of dates, and having a mono partner... that is where it ends.
I never went on dates with baby in tow. I didn't start dating again until my boy was three and I no longer required the boob to fall asleep at night. I never slept with men on first or second dates and only did with consent from my husband who did not take the decision lightly. It seems to me that for you a "date" means that there will be sex, is that right?
I went on many many many dates where none of the men were suitable. One man showed up with food down his never washed shirt and track pants that were also never washed. He had greasy hair and was generally unkept. He asked if I wanted to go back to his place and look at his tool collection before his landlord kicked him out. Nice catch huh.... I would NEVER EVER EVER think I was obliged to have sex with him or have sex with him because he was.... well.... there... and I was horny. I am worried about your woman there my friend. Her mental health in this is sounding rather imbalanced. I won't even go into the cutting and other stuff...
I have a mono partner too and a husband as well as two others. The furthest thing from my mind is to make their lives uncomfortable because of my notions of what I need. I have to really NEEEEEEED something in order to feel that I have to demand it. Most of the time I can either wait until they have caught up, my kid is not there, the person I want to be with is appropriate and desirable, treats me well and knows my loves already. I have waited years and been patient and have made sure that EVERY moment has come at the right time... with all my ducks in a row. I wonder if your partner has ever considered this rather than the rash decisions she seems to be making... (check this thread for some ideas on how to create a poly foundation that is sustainable http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2755
Has she had any consideration for you in this? I don't see how she is not using you. Others have said this too I realize, its just that I don't hear any moment where she has acted with you in mind. I know you think she is a good mother, but to bring a child on a fuck date is not keeping her child in mind. Is she going to carry that on when the child is older?
I will give you my opinion again, in hopes that this time you will consider what I say rather than blow me off. I suggest that you re-read what I wrote before as some of it still stands. Especially the part about dividing time. I hear that you work and are a student... my example was just that, an example. You know what times work better.
You really haven't been together long and most of that time has been with child. I would wonder how much you really know each other. I still think that at least one date with her a week and one date night for her is appropriate for a family just starting out... the rest of the time is taken up. I get that. You haven't mentioned the time you spend with her romantically. This is important to your connection with her. I have heard nothing of that in what you say. You might be Aspy (sp?) but she isn't, she likely needs to connect with you. It seems so if she is out constantly looking for that and trying to find it by fucking all her dates....
Oh ya, dates. Dates are not meant to necessarily be about sex. First dates are generally for discovering if you like someone, second ones generally for getting to know them more and perhaps an intro to other partners. Third dates are mostly for after an intro to other partners and then for sex.... all generally speaking of course, but she is going from zero to a hundred miles an hour without considering anyone but herself. You can have a voice about that, yet you seem kind of nonchalant.
You don't seem to get that there is something not healthy about her sex life and attachment to these men she meets that seem to treat her badly... I wonder if you decided to put your foot down if you would find she has some relief in that she can rely on you to be some what of a guardian for a behaviour that is almost obsessive at this point.
A lot of people have had major concerns here and have given you lots to think about, I hope you are getting something from that. I too agree that hearing her side would be helpful. It's all very well to speculate what might be going on for her, but really we will never know until she decides to tell us as you are not her and have your own take on what has transpired.