Thread: some time away
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Old 09-22-2009, 03:19 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kansas City Metro
Posts: 2,187

Originally Posted by Io55 View Post
so when things all exploded last week, and she sent me a hurt email asking why i hadnt given space to people so plainly having problems, i felt like she was justified. i chose to listen to her words instead of her actions...
I'll disagree with you on this. She wasn't justified for trying to lay blame on you.

You are not responsible for their lack of willingness to communicate. You have only what they say to direct you. Trying to assign meaning to behavior can't be done with any great degree of accuracy--attempting to read somebody else's mind is an exercise in futility. Verbal communication is what provides accuracy (provided the person is honest in the exchange) and that's what you have to go by.

So, you're not responsible for their lack of communication. You're also not responsible for their lack of working through problems in their relationship. Their issues are theirs to own and address--as a friend of mine likes to say about personal responsibility: "Own your shit."

Now, you are responsible for not enforcing boundaries for yourself that involve functional communication in the relationships in which you're involved, it appears. That's something that can be laid at your feet. You knew something wasn't working correctly and made feeble attempts to address it, which is a step in the right direction. I suspect now you understand why it's important to push that sort of issue until it gets resolved (and that's a really rough lesson that I think all of us learn the hard way!), and your letter to them suggests that you do.

I'll suggest that you spend time dating other folks while they work their issues out.
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