Originally Posted by Tonberry
That's good, but I think our confusion comes from the fact that you said you are mono. And, well... It seems to me, if you are mono, feeling a real connection with someone else, as you say, is impossible.
I'm sorry if I sound demoralising, I just don't want you to get into that wild goose chase. Certainly, you are free to ask her to give you the same rights that she has, but it looks like you are... well, dreaming a bit.
I mean, if I said, as a poly, that I'd wait to find the one person that makes me not need to be poly anymore... people would tell me I've gone crazy. It won't happen.
Right now you sound to me a bit like... I know, imagine my boyfriend is bisexual, and I decide that since he gets to have sex with both genders, I will too. But because I don't want to hurt anyone, I'll wait to have a real connection with a woman, emotionally, intellectually and physically.
That's not going to happen. I'm straight. The odds against that are astronomical.
I guess they're not of zero, though. And if it helps you to know you have the same right she does, good for you. I just have a bad feeling about it, I guess. I'm worried you'll wait for things to magically get better and they won't.
I still wish you the best of luck about it. I could very well be completely off-base, after all.
Ok, that was much better for me. When I don't feel like I'm being attacked, I have a much better chance of understanding where you are coming from.
Here is my theory. I haven't yet found someone who I could be in a relationship with while I am with my fiancee. However, I have felt certain kinds of different connections, and at its core, I believe that having multiple connections is not wrong.
That would be the reason why I haven't left my fiancee, and why I dated her in the first place. On paper, the theory is fine, and while a little outlandish and occasionally farfetched with little to no logical backing it has a massive amount of emotional backing.
My theory, and again, I could be wrong as well, is that when someone comes along (and I have ridiculously high standards that, trust me, I've tried to lower) that I feel really attached to, or put it this way, that I would date if I were single (As a mono person, that's kind of how I relate it) and they are ok with poly, then who knows? Based on my acceptance of the mindset as it is on paper, a positive piece of empirical evidence to suggest that it can in fact, be positive for me as well, may be all I need to say "Wait a minute! This NRE stuff is great, and I can now see where my fiancee is coming from!"
I haven't had that yet, and as much as a realize why it is such a drug for her, it still hurts tremendously to have it right there for me to see all the time, and yet don't retain any of the positive myself.
I have a theory that one can bolster NRE with more NRE. That is that the natural irrationality, or predisposition to ignoring negative qualities once mutuality in a relationship is established, can be compensated for by focusing those portions of your attention on the other NRE.
For example, if I like football (soccer over here) and my fiancee doesn't, but my theoretical second girlfriend does, when I want to catch a match, I would catch it with my second girlfriend. If my second girlfriend hates horror movies, and my fiancee doesn't, then I'll watch horror with my fiancee.
It's still just a theory, but I am actually working at giving this whole thing a shot. It just requires me finding a logical reason to put myself on the train tracks again.