Upon reading around and actually paying attention to the advice I'm being given here and trying to tap into my feelings about this whole situation, I'm having such a hard time. It isn't fair to LAM that I'm expecting him to instantly embrace an entirely different lifestyle than what he is used to. It isn't fair to J that I expect him to be "the other man" until LAM is comfortable with us, even though our relationship predates my even knowing of LAM's existence (not that that should really matter). It isn't fair to me that after so short of a time I should be expected to be so serious about somebody. This relationship hasn't had its chance to develop naturally, it's been rushed and fueled by the intense NRE - and a lot of it is my loneliness. I have just moved here, I haven't had a chance to find friends or hobbies or any "me space"outside of LAM and J.
So I think, after talking to LAM, and I hope that this is his understanding of it as well because I'd hate for him to read something different here, that we will just be scaling it back. I can't do "primary", I can't do anything other than just... let it be what it will be. The boundaries will fall into place as we find where we truly fit into each others lives.