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Old 04-01-2011, 04:55 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
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Originally Posted by pheonixaise View Post
I understand, but she is horny again. For other men, and isn't spending much of that energy (I say much because we've had sex about 4 times in 9 months) on me. And when she does, it's an appeasement so she can go out with someone else.
Who initiates sex, or used to when sex was still happening? Do you think there might be some gender role anxiety going on here? Women are socialized into thinking that they can measure their value as feminine women through men showing sexual interest in them. If you have a great disparity in your interest in sex, she might be looking for that specific validation with other guys.

Originally Posted by pheonixaise View Post
It's not like she goes in with the intention of leaving just as quickly. She goes in, has her fun, the phenethyleomines (sp?) wear off, and she realizes they are a drunk, or they don't respect her, or they think she's a piece of meat, or they're dumb as a brick, or they think she's property. It's not like she goes in just for the NRE knowingly. She really thinks she's going to make a connection.
Okay, encourage your wife to get on this forum. It sounds like she is doing the same mistakes over and over again, and can't quite put her finger on why she isn't succeeding. Does your wife have self-esteem issues, issues with feeling attractive, especially after the baby, or what?

Originally Posted by pheonixaise View Post
Well, that poses a problem. A. I work nearly full time, and go to school full time. I also have a child. I don't have that free time. My fiancee however, is a stay at home mom and has all the free time she can ask for. A schedule is almost null and void. I'm afraid I'm just not willing to provide for someone who is only there 5 nights a week when I get home, and then I have to watch the baby on my own, after a 12 hour day the other two nights.

Your husband may be an exception to the data I have collected, but rarely do I see a matriarchal poly family where the husband isn't secretly wishing it wasn't necessary. Also, I fully understand finding out what I want out of life. I've already done so. As little drama as possible. I want to live a life where I can play music, come home to my family after a hard days work, play with my kids, and not have to worry about other people's drama.
By 'matriarchal' poly family do you mean a mono/poly situation where the man is mono and the woman poly? It seems that the two of you are playing out gender roles that don't really fit. You the provider, she the stay at home mum. You the strong and silent man who talks through his music, she the life of the party who makes men wish they were you. I'm just throwing out suggestions here, but I've found that the most unconventional couples can fall into highly dissatisfying traditional gender-role-playing when a child comes along.

Is your wife actively dating now? Frankly, if you want to save your marriage, I think that needs to stop now. She is miserable as are you. Focus on building a strong foundation with her, reconnecting sexually and figuring out what is causing all the drama you so despise (deep down, why is she bringing home all the wrong types?).

Originally Posted by pheonixaise View Post
However, what is the point of being poly if it is just to have your partner do things that hurt you, with no benefit to yourself. There would be literally no benefit to me if I don't date as well. The small chance I could find a girlfriend is the only thing that keeps me optimistic about the whole situation. If I'm supposed to figure this out before I find a girlfriend, then it almost seems a parasitic lifestyle.
I get your point, but right now, are you looking for a gf from a place of anger, resentment and desire to get even with your wife, or from a serious desire and readiness to open your heart for more love in your life?

Once you and lady wife have your things sorted out, your wife has made it through her depression and you have worked over the anger you have, start looking for A STEADY BF aka SECONDARY for your wife. From the local poly community or through internet dating or whatever. Redpepper posted on another thread one woman's 'dating add' for her husband. My advice? Clean the slate now from additional distractions - stop the dating, both of you, until you know what it is that you really want.
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
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