Hi everyone, and thank you for providing me with an open space to share in. heres my OP http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=777
and now a bit of follow up (sorry for the repetition fidelia, i just realized it was probably pretty unfair to rely only on you for advice and feedback, and now that i can share, all the feelings and anxiety ive been storing up for months just want to come out everywhere and often
the quality of communication in the past 3 months between M&H&I has been pretty abysmal. this was also something i noticed about their relationship before i became a part of it. the fault doesnt lie with any one person, its the way they interract with each other, but i will say this: M tends to pretend everything is fine until she cant take it anymore and explodes, whereas if and when she has attempted to immediately address an issue when it came up, H tends to react really defensively.
So, i made a few feeble attempts at the beginning of the summer to sit us all down and talk about specific boundaries and feelings, and things were discussed, but not as specifically as was needed i guess. and sometimes when i felt uneasy in situations, and like she was not comfortable or happy (generally one where physical affection was involved-cuddling in bed while watching a movie, or one of the few sexual situations during the month when i was living there)i would leave the room so they could discuss, sometimes they did and sometimes they didnt, but she would always assured me the next day that she wasnt feeling badly towards me(also though, whenever we are alone, none of these bad feelings seem to surface, we enjoy each other so much, have so much fun, and are really loving and passionate towards each other when we're intimate just the two
) So i chose to believe that and maybe not examine it as closely as i should have. so when things all exploded last week, and she sent me a hurt email asking why i hadnt given space to people so plainly having problems, i felt like she was justified. i chose to listen to her words instead of her actions, because on some level i was selfish. i was pretty intoxicated with the new, deep feelings i was developing for both of them, and also, seeing as i dont have very many friends in the area (which is my anti-social problem and not theirs, i know) they also comprised a large part of my support network. so i let a situation that in the back of my mind i knew was festering, fester. she came over on saturday night and we talked about this, though i was not as verbose about it as i am now, ive had a bit longer to think i guess
I also feel like i am not the sole person responsible for this lapse in communication, and that even to maintain a platonic friendship things would need to change on that front, but i love them both so much, and would want to keep them in my life even if they were only comfortable with acquaintance-level familiarity (though that would take some time and time apart to heal to be possible). all that being said:
If M decides that she wants to keep us both in her life as partners of a sort, how can i help her (and i) come back to a place of healing and trust and love and honest communication?
For now, as was wisely suggested, i have made clear that i am following their lead as far as contact is concerned, i am pretty present online, but let them start conversations, have not said ANYTHING about when we will next see each other etc. after the email she sent me last monday, and the angry-and hurt-on-her-part, shitty-feeling-and-apologetic-on-my-part, IM chat that ensued, (it was a long conversation, but a lot of things were said that needed to be, and we ended the conversation on considerably good terms, reasserting the love we have for each other and our non-plussedness at what would happen next) anyway, after all that we did not speak again until saturday. in the meantime H and i chatted a few times from work, but pretty surface stuff, and not for long, and no where near as often as usual. we had a few serious chats about how he was feeling (uncertain) and about the situations possible outcomes(uncertain). on saturday, M and i chatted again. they seemed to not be doing much better, but she said she really missed me and apologized for some things she said monday, and i was over the moon when she said she wanted to see me soon. we decided she would come by that night for a drink. we talked a lot, and i said mostly what ive said to you, and we also talked about how the connection between H and i makes her feel really insecure some times, that we will forget about/abandon her, and we also discussed some problems in their relationship, i.e. communication problems, too much stress and time spent together relating only to work, not doing enough for themselves separately, as well as some of H's and M's personal issues that can sometimes be a barrier to the relationship functioning properly. it was a GOOD conversation. we were feeling good around each other, finally, again. she ended up sleeping over, and we were intimate, i dont know if thats a pertinent, good or bad thing, but it seemed right as her being physically with me was never part of the issue for H, and also, given her previously mentionned healthy libido and their lack of sexual contact for the last while, AND my 3-month old singledom, we both REALLY needed to get laid
she left early the next morning and they left to go out of town that day, will be back tommorrow. the conclusion this left me with though was that i should still give them LOTS of space, and was not expecting to see them again for another little while(but i really, really want to, which makes this last part hard) so today i am chatting with H for a few minutes, from the city theyre visiting. he tells me how much he misses me, that things are going ok, theyre trying to make things work. BUT that for him, hes only willing to try if he can still see me. and that she is ok with this. and that he could come see me THIS week if i wanted, but that if i felt we should wait longer, he understood. i think i need to talk more with M before i even believe that completely(i do not believe H would ever lie, but she may be feeling pressured to shy shes ok, and he may be wishfully believing her half-hearted acceptance the way boys sometimes do when we say everythings 'fine'. but even if M is sincere about this. im not sure I think its the best thing. so its really hard, but i think at some point this week im going to tell them i want to temporarily cool things WAY down? (as in maybe a couple weekly chats or phone calls and no actual visits for at least a month? what do you think?) and i really dont want to cause any added drama in their lives, and make some kind of grand exit. i wrote a draft email explaining what im doing and why, would you maybe take a look at it and tell me what you think?
here goes, the letter is included in a reply to this post, ive really gone from 0-60 on the 'sharing my feelings' front, huh?
(please be brutally honest, as i reread myself i see i might come off as a little self-righteous and high horsed..