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Old 04-01-2011, 03:11 PM
pheonixaise pheonixaise is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Curious - what does this mean, exactly?
This means that I have had 12 sexual partners in my life. With 11 of them, I was never sexually gratified. I don't feel sex as a need. I enjoy it with my fiancee (the only person I've ever enjoyed it with) as she was the first person to show me that it an, in fact, be enjoyable. I don't masturbate (not because I believe it's wrong, I'm all for it! Promotes good health, better concentration in school, better mood, all positives! I just don't feel the need to myself, so I don't)
Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
That would seem prudent, considering that you both have not been successful in managing boundaries. It would seem better communication would help?
Better communication I feel is an umbrella term. Yes, if you communicate better, problems, will in fact, be resolved quicker. Simply saying "communicate better" doesn't help anything, it simply seems to me a catch-all that will help you, but the same goes for every problem dealing with interaction between two humans.


Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Hmm . . . wondering if she's possibly experiencing post-partum depression?
She did go through some sever post-partum, poor thing. We're working on that quite hard. We've taken to hobbies that she used to absolutely love before the baby, but hasn't had time since, such as painting, camping, SCA, chainmail, and other such activities. It is helping.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Also wondering how her diminished libido relates to your apathy toward sex?
As I said, I don't feel it as a need. It still bothers me when she talks about, and pursues other men in that regard, and doesn't spend what little libido she has on me. Ever heard Sublime, Summertime? First verse. I don't dislike sex, especially not with her, and I'm very patient. But we ARE the "married" couple, and from everything I've ever read on this subject, it is her responsibility to make sure needs are met with her primary partner before spending such energy on tertiary partners.

So apathy may be the wrong word. Patient indifference may be a better way to put it. I don't pursue it actively, but I still want it.


Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I don't know why it is shattering, considering it's not totally out of the blue. You discussed polyamory and know it's something she desired. So... it being "shattering" to you surprises me.
Well, that's interesting. She told me when she got pregnant, that she had had too many negative experiences in poly, and that when the chips were down, I was the only one who stood up and helped. She told me she wanted to be monogamous, and that we would discuss rare and infrequent temptations on her part. The shattering portion comes from this poly lifestyle being thrown back at me full force, and shattering the fragile window that separates the two completely. How could I ever be monogamous now with her, even if it is "what she wanted" without feeling like she's lying to me, and how can I be poly with her when it hurts me? Things were well in monogamy. She never cheated on me. She occasionally met someone, we talked about it, and sometimes even determined it was a temptation worth exploring. However, now that stability is gone. And to my mind, can never be returned.



Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
This is a frequent misunderstanding. Her needing to be polyamorous in her relationships does not mean you are "not enough." Everyone has a range of needs and one person cannot fulfill them all for another. It is simply unreasonable and dangerous to think so. That is why mono people also have friends and family to call on, and poly people have additional lovers. I am sure you fulfill every need she has from YOU, but not every need she has.
Sure, the needs of a place to stay, the needs of someone to help raise our child, the need of a shoulder to cry on. I know I fulfill those needs adequately. No vacation boyfriend need do such things. I know I can never be more than one person, and that alone is enough to know that I am not enough. However, it doesn't matter terribly whether feeling of not being enough is founded on reason or insecurity. It exists, and reason, exploration, or reassurance can never remove it. Only smother it until it is a nagging whisper in the back of your head.

As for lovers and friends, that's right. I don't need someone to be a lover to develop a connection with them. If I seek a new connection, I make a friend. I understand that's not how her mind works though.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Oh, geez, you cannot protect and insulate a child from every negative emotion out there. Children thrive when they are able to meet and deal with challenges. Not saying you should be insensitive to emotions she is faced with, but living a lie and denying your feelings or trying to eradicate them without dealing with them will do your daughter no good. Sometimes you can't be logical in dealing with life. It would be like keeping her "locked away" as if she was Rapunzel and she would become soft and spoiled and unable to face difficult things in life. The best example you can set is to be able to meet the challenges you face, experience your feelings, and handle them.
Hmm. Interesting perspective. Must admit, I've been down the same road of thought a hundred times. She will know challenges. She will know discipline. She will know independence. She will not, however, know or be subjected to problems that are between mother and father. Problems of her own I have no doubt she will have enough of, and we will address them as they come, and provide her with the tools and experience to handle each.

As for protecting and insulating my daughter, if I can, I will protect her from every unpleasant or harmful emotion I can. Especially ones of anger towards situational events that will be perceived as against people we both care about.

As for living a lie, if I'm monogamous, what am I doing if I'm being poly?
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