So... Did I hit rock bottom yesterday? I was tired of fighting to feel happy. The last couple weeks have been hard on me. I decided that the easiest thing to do was give in to sadness. I accepted that I was going to be sad, and it felt kind of... nice. Consistency was back. You can always get meds to fix it, right? Besides, poly is about filling holes (hahaha so punny), so Jen could just find somebody to fill anything I can't be. Seemed like a good plan. It was the easiest way to not be hurt, and Jen would be free to do what she wanted.
I got the kids yesterday, and when Jen got up, I was barely looking at her, much less talking. I felt pretty empty at that point, but I didn't really want to talk while the kids were up. After we got them down for a nap, I told her that I gave up. She said that wasn't right, and it's not what she wanted. We talked for a bit, but she had to get the kids some medecine.
I was still feeling like garbage after I went to work. I couldn't get out of my funk. All I was feeling (when my brain could sort the thousand thoughts flying through it at a given time) was anger and regret. Jen came by after that, and just held me for a bit. It was nice...
I'm feeling better now, but I keep feeling regret. How can I move forward, when all I want to do is go back? That was when I was strong, and happy. Now, I struggle with both at times.
Jen is looking for a counselor that we can go to together. I don't think I can get out of this on my own. Talking doesn't seem to help, and I keep going back to the same negative emotions. Hopefully a professional can help with that.