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Old 04-01-2011, 02:37 PM
pheonixaise pheonixaise is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I am interested to know what "its all up to you" means from people you have talked to about this.. what is all up to you?
"It's all up to me" means that this is who she is at her core, and no matter how unfair it is (Because we all know it's easier for a woman to find a date than a man on a generalized basis, especially when the woman in, by all accounts, a remarkably attractive woman) and how wrong it may seem to me, no matter how much it hurts me, I need to be ok with her doing these things, because she's poly. However, I'm monogamous, that has to count for something. Being poly for me is as difficult as being monogamous is for her.

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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
She has a 9 month old. I didn't get horny again until my boy was three. Now he is seven and I have sex pretty much daily. If anything it increased. Results may vary.
I understand, but she is horny again. For other men, and isn't spending much of that energy (I say much because we've had sex about 4 times in 9 months) on me. And when she does, it's an appeasement so she can go out with someone else.

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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
NRE junkies are a difficult lot. I would wonder if there is more behind this than is evident. Has she looked into what is going on for her? Done some work on herself? Poly is not about dating man after man after man usually, with consent from a more permanent partner. That is more of an open relationship. I don't know too much about that actually. It isn't poly to me and I know quite a bit about that. To me there is something concerning about dating a whole bunch of guys with the intent to just have NRE with them. It seems unfair to them somehow. Deceitful and disrespectful. Is she aware that she does this? Or is there some kind of goal here?
It's not like she goes in with the intention of leaving just as quickly. She goes in, has her fun, the phenethyleomines (sp?) wear off, and she realizes they are a drunk, or they don't respect her, or they think she's a piece of meat, or they're dumb as a brick, or they think she's property. It's not like she goes in just for the NRE knowingly. She really thinks she's going to make a connection. Of all the things she is, deceitful isn't one of them. Disrespectful on the other hand, maybe. She is a kind and caring person, who honestly wants others to be happy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
If I were you I would set up a schedule whereby she goes out one night or two out of the week, and you go out one night or two of the week and then the two of you go out together one or two nights of the week. The rest is family time... of course numbers may vary, but the idea is that there is a consistent routine to follow.

It should be easy if you have a baby to adjust to this as babies are all about routine. In this way you can do what you want to do in life and so can she. She chooses to go on dates, and you may choose to join a bowling league or something. It's up to you. The point is to not sit around at home thinking about this and to get about the business of having an active life.
Well, that poses a problem. A. I work nearly full time, and go to school full time. I also have a child. I don't have that free time. My fiancee however, is a stay at home mom and has all the free time she can ask for. A schedule is almost null and void. I'm afraid I'm just not willing to provide for someone who is only there 5 nights a week when I get home, and then I have to watch the baby on my own, after a 12 hour day the other two nights.

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
My husband decided to better himself and he has... I have been with my boyfriend for two years and he now lives with us. The best thing that my husband did for himself and all of us, was to go and figure out what he wants out of life, rather than believing he had to be with me all the time and waiting for me all the time. We raise our boy to be independent also. He thinks independently and we have taught him to talk for himself about his needs. He is a strong independent thinker that knows what he wants (of course his age is a part of that two ) Good lesson for a kid I think, better than the one he was being taught which is that men should stay at home and mope while their partners are out living life. He is learning something very valuable in our poly family... belonging, yet being independent.
Right, now here is where my polarized view statement comes into play. I'm afraid I don't quite subscribe to the "bettering" statement. Your husband may be an exception to the data I have collected, but rarely do I see a matriarchal poly family where the husband isn't secretly wishing it wasn't necessary. Also, I fully understand finding out what I want out of life. I've already done so. As little drama as possible. I want to live a life where I can play music, come home to my family after a hard days work, play with my kids, and not have to worry about other people's drama. However, with poly comes complications in this regard. Every time she meets a new guy, whoosh, it's like a whirlwind. It's all she wants to talk about. And guess who is there to pick up the pieces when it fails? Me. I'm the one who tells her, "You know, this guy talks quite crassly about you behind your back," or "He doesn't let you speak, I have to tell him you have something to say before he wipes the 'quite, the adults are speaking' look off his face" and then when it all comes crashing down, I'm the one who holds her up.

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Please don't find a girlfriend. Bringing some unsuspecting person into a relationship that isn't functioning well is unfair and cruel. She may fall for you and then have to deal with all the issues that you come along with. I suggest sorting it all out first and then, if you are interested, find another love. It could just be that once you have figured this out you are single or so much on your game with your partner that it is not necessary to work it all out. If you are in fact mono that is
This is fairly decent advice. However, what is the point of being poly if it is just to have your partner do things that hurt you, with no benefit to yourself. There would be literally no benefit to me if I don't date as well. The small chance I could find a girlfriend is the only thing that keeps me optimistic about the whole situation. If I'm supposed to figure this out before I find a girlfriend, then it almost seems a parasitic lifestyle.

I must say this, excuse me if that seemed rude, I promise I meant no disrespect. I'm just a little touchy on some subjects, especially that particular one.

Last edited by pheonixaise; 04-01-2011 at 03:16 PM.
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