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Old 04-01-2011, 11:24 AM
MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Ping-ponging around Europe, trying to get a publishing concern off the ground
Posts: 718

Originally Posted by River View Post
Originally Posted by koifish View Post
Is this worth risking my relationships to my family over?
The way I see it, if any family member or friend abandons you because you or your fiance -- or both -- love someone else, ... well, maybe you don't really need them in your life so much. Tell them all that this is YOUR life to live, not theirs. But it is clear, Koifish, that there is an inner step you need to take to get there -- and that step is beyond shame. (You have admitted that you feel shame.) Shame will stop you for standing up for your own innocence and dignity.

There is never shame in loving. Never. And anyone who would pour shame down on one who loves should be the one to be ashamed.

Here's a ceremony to have before the marriage ceremony. Go somewhere outdoors where having a fire is safe. Burn a representation of your shame and fear about being true to yourselves. Do this together. And when your flamable representation is ashes, be done with it. Burn it completely.
I'm with River 100% on this! One of my brothers [one of the 2 who outed my gay brother to our parents] told one of his daughters (18 at the time) that if she didn't break off with her boyfriend (now her husband), "this is no longer your home". While she was packing her bags, he called all his other children (including a 3-year-old) into the living-room and announced: "Your sister is moving out because she has ceased to love you." My niece has forgiven him for that. I probably never will. It's one of the nastiest things I've ever heard done by anyone of my acquaintance.

I wrote to my niece at one point: "Anyone who doesn't treat you decently isn't worth shit!" And I think that you should think about this when deciding whether to ditch your gf to maintain "good" relationships with your friends. How much of your life are you going to allow to be dictated by people who don't respect your right to your own decisions?

I can fully understand your feeling crowded by your gf's wish for "parity NOW". But - as you've written - you can understand her feelings here, too. Just they make you uncomfortable. My advice here (and your bf has probably already done this, judging by your description of his peacekeeping and soothing talents) is to explain to her that equality is a goal that you're really interested in working towards (but, before saying this to her, first ask yourself if this is really true) but that it won't happen overnight. Patience and will-to-succeed all round, please.

You also wrote that - because of this uneasiness with her "pushiness" (the speech marks aren't because I'm quoting you, it's because of not being sure myself if that's what it is) - you have distanced yourself somewhat from her, but your fiancÚ has maintained close to her. So you're losing out here. I'm not suggesting that you should surrender to her "demands" (again: same reason for ""), but that everybody has to work to make it work out. (I also don't think that just because "you were there first", that she should kowtow completely to you.) Relationships need a lot of give and take. Try to understand where everybody's coming from and be gentle with each other.

My first post on this thread contained some attempts at humour. ("Let's party!", "Poly Gorillas"...) But I hope that didn't put you off considering the serious parts of it*. I think that if I were one of your fiancÚ's parents, financed the wedding, and then found out that you had kept us in the dark, partly out of fear that we would not pay for it if you'd been honest with us, I would feel manipulated and well pissed off!

Ignore if you wish my suggestion to come out to everybody (although it was made in earnest [largely based on the conviction that they're going to find out sooner or later anyway, and - in the present circumstances - better sooner than later]), but please, please come out to your future in-laws!

And now I want to give another spin to
Originally Posted by koifish View Post
Is this worth risking my relationships to my family over?
You are risking your relationships to your family if you allow them to dictate your life. The word "this" in your question: does it refer to this relationship with a woman whose "pushiness" makes you uneasy? or does it refer to this right of yours to be polyamorous if you so wish?

Turning your back on either because you want to appease your family (and especially but not only those who - like your father - throw their weight around and issue ultimatums) is turning them [your family] into blackmailers and declaring to them that you will pay up every time.

* And I do think that you might find humour a useful tool... at least with some people.