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Old 04-01-2011, 06:17 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by islandgy9 View Post
How can I help her bring "us" up to S? C is not a very good communicator and "just goes with the flow" and never questions things. I have a NEED to understand and be understood and I can’t stand the thought of S not knowing. C and I don’t see eye to eye on this at all. C said she would try and look for an opportunity to bring up the subject but does not think she can "go through with it".
The only way you can "help her" get honest is to stand your ground and refuse to be involved with her until she does. This is something she has to come clean with S. about, because she has a responsibility to her relationship. You can't hold her hand and live her life for her.

However, think about this: is she really someone you want to be in relationship with? You obviously want to operate in an ethical way; she does not think that is all that important. You are taking a mature, responsible, and proactive stance; she seems immature and says she will bring it up if she thinks the time is right. I would bet it will never seem right to her. She may say doesn't want to hurt S., and perhaps that is true, but maybe she is protecting herself more than anyone else. Maybe if she told him, she knows there will be consequences she does not want. He might put the kabosh on the whole thing, leave her, tell her she can't continue, whatever. So, who is she really afraid of hurting?

I know you say that "love feelings" happened between the two of you, just a few weeks after becoming physically intimate. Hmm, is it love, lust, or NRE? It sounds like it's primarily sexual. Nothing wrong with that, but do you know her well enough to really love her? She already led you to believe that S. knew, and then you find out that she is deceiving him and is reluctant to get real about it. You want to do the right thing; do you really want to be involved with someone who doesn't consider that as important as you do? I would tread carefully here, and start looking at her under a harsher, brighter light.

What does your SO say about C and the whole situation?
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 04-01-2011 at 06:19 AM.
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