Originally Posted by islandgy9
I am in a "V" poly relationship with my so and with a longtime friend that became friends and more, then even more (meaning love feelings.... happened). Everything was very good for the most part except my friend has a boyfriend (S) who does not know about me. I am divorced because I was deceitful with my former wife about my desire to be in "polly" relationships. I cheated, it was wrong, it was dishonest, it hurt her deeply and I truly regret not being honest. She hates me now and I vowed I would never be deceitful again.
Anyway, my "girlfriend" (C) does not want to tell S for fear of 'hurting him'... I know it does not make sense. His former wife left him for another woman and it devastated him. I havenít met him and blindly thought he knew about me. When C and I became intimate, after a few weeks, I told her how cool it was that we all had special relationships outside of our "primary loves". Thatís when she told me that S didnít know that she and I were intimate. He knows C and I "socialize" and she has many guy friends. Once I found out S didnít know I told her I could not be part of that deception again, and asked her to please tell him. Iím not "holding out", but I told C that if S does not know than I couldnít be intimate (no physical contact) with her. We still socialize and I really love being around her and her great kids but we both ache for the physical aspect. Maybe Iím kidding myself that Iím not doing anything wrong if Iím not having sex with her...
Question is, How can I help her bring "us" up to S? C is not a very good communicator and "just goes with the flow" and never questions things. I have a NEED to understand and be understood and I canít stand the thought of S not knowing. C and I donít see eye to eye on this at all. C said she would try and look for an opportunity to bring up the subject but does not think she can "go through with it". Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Good for you not having sex until she tells him... ache away my friend, it is the right thing to do in my book. You are not kidding yourself... take a good long hard look at your memories. That should do it. You know what cheating does. Nothing has changed. You are SOOOO right to not want to be a part of that ever again.
I know what you are talking about and so does Mono... PM him if you like. He cheated on his wife for two years and lost everything. His daughter has not talked to him since he left home. He is a great person to talk to if you want reminding that the path you are choosing to take is one of integrity and respect... stand tall and think with your head, not your cock. You didn't do that once, but now is your chance to do it right this time. No one is worth sacrificing your integrity.
She is so wrong about this. He is going to be devastated... absolutely devastated. He has experienced this before and it will only create more lack of trust, more damage to his sense of self and more anger and resentment towards anyone that crosses his path as a result of his lack of trust. Think of what you did to your last partner. This will be him if he finds out.
I think you need to walk away from this one. Chalk it up to lesson learned. Always meet the partner first... always! I did the same as you and almost destroyed a marriage. I learned the same lesson. I learned with it that some people lie to get what they want and don't give a shit who it hurts. She lied to you be omission. She is lying to you and him... walk away.
She might be cute and sexy and fun to be around and her kids get along with your kids blah blah blah.... but if you take your eyes off of her and look elsewhere, you will find straight up women that don't lie, are not cheating and who are just as hot, and great to be around who make you feel like you are on top of the world.... why? because it is all real and honest.
If you want more convincing I suggest you do a tag search for "cheating" here. On those nights when you can hardly stand it to not text her... read those threads! Cheaters seem like an addiction to some people that have cheated before... its like its so damned easy to fall back into it for some reason. Familiarity maybe? I dunno. There should be AA for addicts of cheating.