Hooking up out side a relationship is not something I do often. The two times I had in my previous relationship were following us declaring it an "open relationship" and my ex-gf was hardly ever around. Plus, when she was, she'd usually have another girl over anyway, so me looking for outside physical attachment was pretty much filling a void. There is not as much as a void here with PNG, but we do only see each other once a week, at most. Even then, it's been a while since we have been intimate.
I have a hook up planned soon and I don't intend on there being many after that. Kind of a one-time thing, for kicks. No emotional attachment.
This is different than PNG's case since there IS emotions attached. On one hand, it's nice knowing she is expressing her feelings for someone in this way, but it also makes me jealous seeing as how we rarely get the chance to anymore. I know, deep down, that PNG following her emotions and feelings for other people won't change how I feel about her, or she feels about me, but there is still that jealousy, especially considering how often she and J will be seeing eachother. In a way, I feel temporally shut out when the two of them do hang out.
It all comes down to distance. It's what worries me the most. I know it's foolish, but part of me thinks there may be a chance of PNG falling for J and losing interest in me because of the difficulties in us seeing eachother. Also, I can't help worry about J not being 100% comfortable with a polyamorous relationship either. Part of me will always be paranoid that he will be waiting for me to mess up and swoop in.
Something else I can't get past is how serious PNG and I really are or how serious she would like us to ultimately get. Honestly, and I know this sounds crazy after only about a month and a half, but I can would really love to see us together years down the road. The way she makes me feel, her personality, everything. She's amazing.
I'm going on and on and it's mostly because I can never think straight on this issue. She's right. I contradict myself ALOT. That's because as soon as I say what I think I mean to say, I doubt it or am unsure almost immediately afterward. I can never seem to get it straight in my own head.
I KNOW I love her.
I KNOW I want to spend a very long time with her.
I KNOW that she has a lot of love to give and has people she would like to share it with.
I just don't know if I can get over the idea of her thinking about someone else the same way she does me. Or looking at someone with those gorgeous eyes the same way she does at me. I know what we have is special, but I don't want to be just "someone she loves." I don't need a label as a "boyfriend" per se, but I just want to know where I stand in relation to other people she loves.