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Old 04-01-2011, 01:15 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pheonixaise View Post
I . . . have a very apathetic view on sex in particular.
Curious - what does this mean, exactly?

Quote:
Originally Posted by pheonixaise View Post
Now, we have a 9 month old child together, and that makes things complicated. For a while, she saw that her thriving on the NRE of others hurt me, and not through completely unfounded jealousy, but through errors in judgment on her part, breeches of established comfort ability and understanding of boundaries. In my mind, there is another point to be made here, that evidence of such situations in every other poly relationship I have ever been privy to has been poisonous to the mental state and mutual enjoyment of the relationship as a whole. Through seeing the former, she decided that it would be best for the both of us if we focused on our relationship, and on our baby.
That would seem prudent, considering that you both have not been successful in managing boundaries. It would seem better communication would help?

Quote:
Originally Posted by pheonixaise View Post
. . . my natural monogamy, her natural poly, the baby, her libido, the jealousy in whatever way it manifests, and our life as a family, she recently told me that, to her, monogamy was like putting on a mask. She can never really be herself as long as she is thus.
Hmm . . . wondering if she's possibly experiencing post-partum depression?

Also wondering how her diminished libido relates to your apathy toward sex?

Quote:
Originally Posted by pheonixaise View Post
Aside from the shattering connotations of this particular statement . . .
I don't know why it is shattering, considering it's not totally out of the blue. You discussed polyamory and know it's something she desired. So... it being "shattering" to you surprises me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by pheonixaise View Post
. . . to a monogamous man being the insecurity of the fact that, after sacrificing all of his freedoms to be with this woman as well, he is not enough for her . . .
This is a frequent misunderstanding. Her needing to be polyamorous in her relationships does not mean you are "not enough." Everyone has a range of needs and one person cannot fulfill them all for another. It is simply unreasonable and dangerous to think so. That is why mono people also have friends and family to call on, and poly people have additional lovers. I am sure you fulfill every need she has from YOU, but not every need she has.

Quote:
Originally Posted by pheonixaise View Post
I can't subject my daughter to the emotions I will feel while she is out with another man. Our daughter is very empathetic. When my fiancee is upset, she is upset, when I'm upset, she is also upset. So whenever I feel the jealousy, founded or no, in poly, I cannot and will not let it affect this precious little girl.
Oh, geez, you cannot protect and insulate a child from every negative emotion out there. Children thrive when they are able to meet and deal with challenges. Not saying you should be insensitive to emotions she is faced with, but living a lie and denying your feelings or trying to eradicate them without dealing with them will do your daughter no good. Sometimes you can't be logical in dealing with life. It would be like keeping her "locked away" as if she was Rapunzel and she would become soft and spoiled and unable to face difficult things in life. The best example you can set is to be able to meet the challenges you face, experience your feelings, and handle them.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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