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Old 03-31-2011, 03:07 PM
koifish koifish is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2010
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Hi BlackUnicorn,
Good questions.

My uncertainty about gf is absolutely central to all of this. I don't know if this is worth it and without being positive that it's worth it, it's awfully hard to jump into telling everyone and alienating a whole bunch of people right before our wedding. I was was expecting to have lifelong relationships with a majority of the people at our wedding.

My fiance is a savant at making people feel better and making things okay between people.

GF from the get go wanted to be included and considered and having the same "status" as we had for each other. We wanted these things for her too, but I especially had trouble giving these things so quickly. She actually virtually moved in with us at the very beginning and wanted us to tell our families very quickly.

It came as a sad shock to her that I ended up feeling crowded and overwhelmed with her moving into our house suddenly. She wanted the sort of equality very early on where she could be as present in our house as we were.

Our position was that this kind of equality cannot be extended so quickly by us. That the relationship my fiance and I had with each other simply was currently different from the one we had with her by virtue of the fact that we had known each other for well over a decade, but had only known her a little while.

My fiance is a master of smoothing things over, getting someone to laugh and feel affection again when they are upset and alienated. We told her that equality was something we believed in and were moving towards, but wasn't something we could choose to manufacture because of the inherent differences in our relationships, such as they were at the time.

All of her freakouts and understandable dissatisfaction along the way seriously freaked me out and kept me from getting close to her. So she and my fiance became very close, while my relationship with her was always more contentious. So moving towards equality has been very rocky.

My fiance has very successfully applied emotional bandaids along the way and I have been moved to help him because I do care for her and I know that he loves her and would be very sad to lose her. He told her a few days ago that everything would be okay after the wedding. She wouldn't worry about us being married so much after the wedding hoopla had died down. I think she wanted to believe that.

Last night she was upset again and saying that it would be even worse after the wedding because my fiance and I would be seen as legitimate (if "bad") by society, while she would be seen as merely an illegitimate add on to us(and "bad").

Is this worth risking my relationships to my family over?

Last edited by koifish; 03-31-2011 at 03:19 PM.