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Old 03-31-2011, 01:37 AM
younglove younglove is offline
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 20
Question Young, Married, Dating a Monogamous person - kind of


I've debated about actually signing up and writing anything here. But I have found myself on Google and searching for advice and just interesting things to learn about polyamory, especially as it pertains to my situation. I read a lot of things written by mono and redpepper.. But I really don't know if there's anything that I found by searching tags that really represents my problem specifically.

So, I decided maybe it would be beneficial to others if I wrote about my situation. Or maybe I could get some one else's opinion...

My situation: I am 22 and married to an amazing person. It is entirely and completely a healthy relationship that features respect (this is a big deal to me), communication, effort, and appreciation. I may be young, but I am mature enough to recognize the beauty of being with someone that mutually loves me and shows it by these things.

My husband and I frequent a store a lot. This one guy works there and .. many years before I met my husband I gave him my number. He had a gf at the time and never called me back.. but anyway, it's always been a really funny story to tell my husband and friends about when we pass by him at this store. My husband started teasing me that he was my "boyfriend" and sometimes we would go there just to see him. It's always been silly and fun and a joke.

This joke went on for quite some time. Eventually we were married and our exploration into other things was starting to come through. I met a girl that I liked a lot a year before and we hit it off. A year later, which happened to be right after my husband and I were married, we all had a night of fun together. My husband started playing around with the idea of maybe inviting this "boyfriend" of mine to the situation. But it was always hypothetical.

The part that turns from swinging to polyamory, which is something that we are new to, is the part where I became friends with this guy that works at the store.. and started to develop feelings for him. We didn't partake in anything physical for quite a few dates. The dates and the communication that we engaged in were the best dates (besides the ones I had had many years ago with my husband) I have ever been on. Not because we did anything particularly exciting.. but because we just had an awesome connection.

We had a lot of common interests and just life styles in general. We started spending a lot of time together. He would come over and spend time with me and my husband too. He's met a few of my friends. We've gotten to know each other very well.

As this was developing, I was staying in constant communication with my husband about my feelings. He was very sweet and understanding of it all. And the two of us have grown closer together because of the experiences we've had regarding this situation. We know we need to be honest and open with each other, especially if we involve another person. We have to be sensitive to his feelings as well.

So at this point that I write to you, things have progressed so much that we have told each other we love one another. This is scary though, because of this big huge elephant in the room. The elephant is that this "boyfriend" is monogamous. And he is hoping to get a girlfriend.. and get married.. and have kids. He wants very badly to be with me, yet at the same time, knows I can never fulfill all of his needs. He can't bring me home to meet his family. He can't tell all of his friends. He can't social network up his new relationship, or explain to the world his huge smile..

When I say can't, I know he techincally COULD. But it is hard. I am 22, so is my husband. My "boyfriend" is 25, almost 26. He wants to settle down sometime soon with a girl, live together, get married yadda yadda. I respect this very much, at the same time it is quite a struggle. I know on one hand, that maybe we should just let it go, knowing that it will never amount to anything. On the other hand, despite my feelings being hurt at "when he meets someone new and can no longer see me the same" I think its worth it. I enjoy love and creating memories. I want to do this while I am young and am able to do it.

The problems I see here in my situation I don't see in other situations. This is because this boyfriend is not 40 something, divorced, and has no interest in having kids. He's young. He's never been married. he wants kids. He wants his OWN life. Etc. He's very monogamous. Doesn't want to develop feelings for more than one person. Doesn't think he can. Prefers monogamy. All things I respect. But what does this mean in terms of the situation we have now.

Well, we talk about this at least once a week. This subject has driven us crazy. We really want to be together and neither of us wants to go without seeing the other and spending time. We both know it's almost impossible not to have feelings for the other, and show it.

We both have families that would not respond well to it. My husband's family would be mortified. My best friend is my husband's sister.. So I can't really tell her about any of this. I do have some friends that I have been able to confide in. I almost find it weird how much I cannot just "come out" to the world about this. It feels like it should be so normal, so typical. I should be able to share that I love someone. and someone else. etc.

I never would have thought I would be polyamorous. I am not someone who has known for years. But I think it has a lot to do with the fact you just have to meet the right people. I would never look for a boyfriend just to have one. I have made a real connection with someone, and I feel lucky. I feel that it is so unique. I feel like it's special. In my perfect world it would all work out...

I guess my overall question is... What should young poly people do when it comes to marriages and kids? Telling family members? It some how seems easier when you're older.

I don't like having to be weary of people seeing us, holding back on pda, and not properly telling the people I care about - everything that's new in my life. Or exciting. Or amazing.

Thanks for your time,

ps. This "boyfriend" is incredibly respectful of my husband, and has made it very well known that if he in anyway causes problems between me and my husband, we would prefer to step down and just be friends or whatever my husband was comfortable with. He cares a lot about my husbands feelings towards everything.

Last edited by younglove; 03-31-2011 at 01:43 AM. Reason: typos and added a ps.
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