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Old 03-30-2011, 11:24 PM
citygirl citygirl is offline
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: minnesota
Posts: 6

Originally Posted by Somegeezer View Post
To me, he obviously can't be trusted. He doesn't seem to be talking through the problems you have. Or possibly you aren't making them clear enough.

Was he with this girl before the problems between you both came about?
I thought we were talking but then he said we weren't. I knew we were having problems before he met her. I actually told him I thank her for bringing our problems to the forefront; we can now discuss them. He tends to sweep everything under the table..doesn't want to make waves. We are trying to talk more but it is hard with our jobs and kids to find time to bring this up.

TruckerPete It's unfortunate ... he's totally screwed himself over, because you seem like someone who is willing and able to put the work into having a poly relationship. Unlike your husband, who only wants to reap the "rewards" (i.e. to him, more sex) and have none of the work.
I think what he wants is me to come "on board...RIGHT NOW!" and I told him that I needed time. From our conversations ...and his recent email to his gf, he obviously doesn't want to wait.

redpepper What is your relationship like with her? How much do the two of you spend time together. Just you two? Maybe all three if you should talk about this. He is obviously not going to follow YOUR rules, so why not work on boundaries together. Negotiate. Even if you can compromise for now even that might mean change for the better for all of you.
We get along ok but have not been really alone, just the 2 of us. I agree that I think she needs to be in on the negotiations, because I don't think she knows that he is still stringing both of us along...meaning that I know what they are doing and am ok with it.

Polyamory as I understand it falls under the umbrella of ETHICAL nonmonogamy. There ain't nothin' ethical about your husband's behavior. So, your husband may be capable of having many loves, but he is not practicing this in an ethical manner and is totally ignoring the bit about open, honest communication.
I agree with you here. I know what my husband is telling me, and that his gf is poly but I have called them both out on it as I have not been ok with anything they did prior January. She agrees with me but obviously forgives my husband too.

I am going to find time to talk to him again about what is going on and that we need to include A in our subsequent talks so that at least I know that they all hear me. This will be hard for me but it needs to be done for all of us.

Thanks so much for this group. Even though I cringe when I read some of the things here at first, after processing it through, I can see the good in most of it. I think the hard thing for me is the jealousy of my husband wanting to be with someone else....and not just as friends. Thanks for the words of encouragement and empowerment.
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