View Single Post
  #5  
Old 03-30-2011, 11:48 AM
BlackUnicorn's Avatar
BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Myrddin View Post
I've been meeting up* with a girl for a couple of months now in a date-like fashion. We enjoy each other's company, but she's been reticent about using the formal girlfriend/boyfriend labels.
Probably has more to do with her being unsure about how to break the poly to you than with any insecurities about the relationship in general. Also, a few people feel the relationship has to be sexual before calling it dating.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Myrddin View Post
She is also bi (which I knew), and last night she sat me down for a serious chat and told me that she is currently in a relationship with a female friend of hers.
How do you feel about her bisexuality?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Myrddin View Post
As such, the current situation is confusing on multiple levels, and it all seems like it could go very very wrong.
What is the worst case scenario you can imagine, given what you know now?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Myrddin View Post
Is being secondary bearable for someone who is less inclined towards multiple relationships? What trade-offs am I making here?
More than about primary/secondary statuses, I'd worry about time management. Does she have enough time to see you as often as you would like? When the relationship turns physical with sleep-overs and the like?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Myrddin View Post
What questions should I be asking her? For that matter, what questions is it safe to ask her, and which will just cause upset?
Probably upsetting questions: 1) Which one of us you like more? 2) Would you be willing to leave her for me? 3) What about a threesome?

Good, valid questions: 1) Have you told your OSO about me? What does she think? 2) Are the two of you fluid-bonded, and how should we approach the issue? Does she have additional partners? 3) What do you want out of this relationship? Do you see us all spending time together?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Myrddin View Post
Thirdly: if someone is poly, is it assumed that their SOs are themselves free to behave in a polyamorous fashion?
All depends on the specific agreement the people involved have, but I personally am not a great fan of any arrangements which seek to artificially limit the level of involvement, number, gender, sexual acts etc. allowed with future additional partners. Those tend to end in heart-break.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Myrddin View Post
How does one avoid being dismissed as a cuckold by people with more macho mindsets?
Not everyone needs to know everything about your love life. People who know you best love you for who you are; to the rest, you can just say you are seeing a girl, or talk about your gf like everyone else. The first lessons I think many people learn on poly is that people or relationships are not interchangeable; she having another relationship with a girl does not in any way make what the two of you have less valuable. It doesn't even necessarily mean that she is in a relationship with you because some of her needs are not being met with her gf. Relationships truly are unique, and it's sometimes really hard to rationalize why you are attracted to someone. She wants to be with you because of what you are and how she feels when she's around you, not because you have a penis or whatever.

Oh, and you are warmly welcome, too!
__________________
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
Reply With Quote