03-30-2011, 12:08 AM
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: College Station TX
heather sent her a letter today I had to share...
If it is ok I would like to talk. I owe it to you to tell you the truth and not hide anything, and all i ask is that you listen. No more than that, ok? I will not push you into anything- I am not looking to change your mind or bring you back. As a friend, I just want to talk. That's all.
First let me start by saying that i DO miss you. I miss talking to you. I miss my friend. But you know that already. You were a good friend to me. And you still are. And I do and always will consider you part of our family, and I take care of my family. That will never change. And I CAN love you as a friend, and as family. And I believe that you can understand that because I know you care for me. Lets keep in mind here that there are many kinds of love. Perhaps when I said I love you, That is what I meant. I love LOTS of people. And when I say I love you it can mean many different things. I never meant to scare you away when i said that to you.
I have been doing A LOT of soul searching in the last week and I would like you to know and understand WHY I changed my mind about alone time, if that is ok. Just so you understand. I am not going to try and change your mind or push you into anything you do not want to do.
It is in my nature to FIX people.
I was grieving for the loss of what you brought to our lives, and yes. I was sad when it was over. For the most part I keep sadness to myself and deal with it on my own.
My sadness ended and changed into "fix" mode when I knew kris was feeling the same sadness I was. We held each other and I did everything I could to try and fix the problem on my own. I can not STAND seeing him sad or unhappy in ANY way.
I became desperate to make his hurt go away, and even though you and I had not been talking, I know you are sad and hurt over all this as well. And while it is NOT the same as the love I have for Kris- the love I have for you is stronger than I have for most friends, and the need I felt to fix YOU was almost as strong as the need to fix kris.
So I re-evaluated myself. I re-evaluated the situation.
In all honesty, I really do not mind if you guys have alone time. I never REALLY did. What scared me most was that I would push myself out completely of both of your lives by allowing that.
But I know better. I know you both love me just as much as I love you, and that even if alone time was allowed- YOU guys would never allow me to be pushed out. And I was silly to ever doubt that.
That being said I COULD never allow that to happen with anyone else. I trust the both of you. I trust that you both care about and love me, and That is what I was afraid of loosing.
Once I realized I would not be loosing anything, I was ok. I realize it more and more with each day. And alone time for you guys seems more like a beautiful thing for the two people I care so much for rather than a death sentence now.
I EVEN, even though I doubt that either of you would allow it to happen, would understand, and I have said this before, but I do not think anyone really HEARS me- Love can change and there are MANY ways to love someone, and I would step away if the love between you to ever got to that point... I would give you guys my blessing, and I would stay in your lives and I would be ok. I know you do not want that to happen- I know He does not want that to happen, But it happens sometimes.
AND I also know that I am awesome enough that I would not be alone for long. I DO have a lot to offer, and if I have offered all I can in this relationship, it simply means I have done my job and fulfilled the purpose that God put me here to complete. How could I have a problem with that?
Love is a blessing. All the many variations of it. And I am very very loved, and I am lucky. Too lucky to be selfish with it.
Sooooooooo-- If you are only holding back because you are worried you will hurt me, know that can not happen. The dynamic of the triangle can change and still be beautiful.
As long as I still have my friend through all of this I will be ok... And THAT is the truth. THAT is why I changed my mind, and whether it changes anything or not, I wanted to let you know.
Every thing will be ok, sweetie. And I want to say thankyou for caring me and loving me in your way.
So stop being a stranger and txt me sometime, ok? And do not run away from Kris, please. Even he would rather be friends than nothing else and while it wil take him time, I will help him, if that is the way you would prefer it. But it hurts him that you guys can not talk anymore. I can understand that. Do not make it harder for him by pushing away completely, please. What we all had was far far to beautiful to let it end badly. If it has to end- let's do it right.