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Old 03-30-2011, 12:03 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
his inability to be open
Redflag. If he can't address this within himself-no healthy relationship of any type is really possible.

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me doubting even the smallest of things
To a large degree any type of relationship requires a "leap of faith". It seems to help a lot of people to consider INTENTION. Not "did they hurt me" but "did they INTEND to hurt me". If they didn't INTEND it-then I don't have to start doubting them, because I know that they were doing their best.
If you believe that she's doing her best, there's nothing to doubt. That's all she can possibly be expected to do, even if it's not good enough. (same for self fyi)

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FlameKat proved that she could not love him with out taking away from the quality of our time shared.
That needs to be addressed, with specific details of how to avoid that in the future. We all stumble, that's to be expected. It starts when we are babies, and every step of our lives thereafter, when we traverse new ground there are times we fall and have to pull ourselves back up. So, now that you've identified the stumbling block, it's time to address how to avoid it in the future.

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he demands someone meet him in the shadows to convince him to step forward
... does he demand or does he just keep his head in the sand? Either way, he will have to choose to take the proffered "map to common ground", to stay where he is in the dark or to go another way all together. Only he can make that choice. But, no one should be "dragging him along kicking and screaming" from his self-created "safe place"-it will impede his own growth. He has to choose to exit of his own free will.

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not compromising for the needs of anyone else…
Not healthy. Not healthy for anyone, in any dynamic. Monogamous, poly or even single. Just not healthy. This needs to be addressed so that he can become the best version of himself possible, and able to participate in relationships, ANY relationship. Becuase ALL relationships (even boss to employee) require some compromise.

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would have to depart often from me emotionally
Why?

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guide him to our common ground
This is a job the two of you need to do together. First identify what IS the common ground. Then identify what the steps are for getting to it. Then give him the "map". At that point-it's up to him to decide if he's going to travel the road or not.

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I am too willing to go along as I did in the past; accepting what others want despite the pain I hold inside.
This is a redflag. Obviously, you need to work on this. It's a direct contradiction to being able to uphold your next quoted statement. If you demand that your beloved put equal loving into you as you do into them; you can't also accept them not doing so....
It's important to really identify what parts of yourself are promoting YOU becoming the best version of yourself possible and which are holding you back. There comes a time when we have to let go of old paradigms that hold us back from our own growth. Often the time becomes visible when someone in our life triggers a painful reaction from us, but regardless of what brings to light that our beliefs, traditions, emotions, fears, habits are holding us back; when we see that we are being held back from being our best self-it's time to change those beliefs, traditions, emotions habits, and tackle those fears.

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T and I are very demanding in similar ways when it comes to love; desiring equal effort put into loving us that we offer those we love.
That's wonderful! That means that you both expect that your lovers will treat you right and not use you! That's important for everyone! This doesn't have to create a problem, it can in fact be used side by side with creative adaptation to build a sustainable relationship.

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he or I would always be feeling she is not loving us enough whenever she had to focus on the other for time …
Why? Why could you not be loving your life and focusing that time on doing something important to you as well? Sometimes we have to CHOOSE to change our "default" emotion. When I am at a great height, I default to a "fear" feeling. But, when I've wanted to go somewhere that was at a great height-I've chosen to focus on the goal-and the emotion has lessened and even disappeared!

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the passion and loss that FlameKat has displayed for T …. And the fact it has not lessened in the nearly 6 months time … scares me.
Fear is something to look deeper into. In some ways it seems that it might be worth considering that you COULD feel more secure due to those things. BECAUSE it means that absence doesn't create in FlameKat a "forget" tirgger... Just because someone is gone, doesn't make her love diminish or decrease. Looked at from that point of view-in light of your knowledge of her love for you... then it could be reassuring to know that even when you are absent from her, she'll be loving you and missing you....

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It scares me that nothing we have done together since then; shared since then has eased the loss of his presence.
I can understand feeling fear. What are you afraid of precisely? (I ask only becuase it's good to know precisely what you fear, not just what circumstances trigger fear).
I imagine it's similar for a child whose sibling dies. The family can enjoy their time together, but nothing will EVER take away the conscious awareness that someone who was deeply loved, deeply integral is missing. Sometimes the siblings will feel "cheated" because their parents (and themselves and other siblings) lost that sense of joy and free happiness when the other child died.

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If he never comes back; will FlameKat always be waiting for him to knock on our door?
Possibly. I know with my ex, who left before I ever married, I can't help but miss her and always wonder if there will ever be a day she'll return to my life. It's not that I don't adore my husband, it's that he can't replace her. The other side of that coin is, she can never replace him either! Neither one or the other can fill the "gap" in my heart that is the "place" the other calls "home" in my heart.
Likewise, GG can't replace Maca, Maca can't replace GG. If either were to die tomorrow, the loss would be heartrending and permanent. I would appreciate the love and loving from the one who was still here and it would be a comfort to have that, but it would not ease or end my suffering for the loss of the person who was gone.

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Will the dreams we created together for our family ever be good enough?
Good enough for what? Good enough for who? Good enough to accomplish what?

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Will she ever be completely Happy?
Only she can choose that. It's not something that you have any control of. She may choose to find complete happiness in her life, she might not. In fact, that could change at any time and repeatedly

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Am I holding her back from true Happiness?
Only she can REALLY identify this. For many years I thought I was holding GG back, becuase he was in love with me and I saw myself as "unavailable". The truth is that what he wanted/needed wasn't what I would want/need and he was getting what he wanted/needed. It was me putting my personal perceptions onto him that created the concern in me.
ONLY she can identify and be held accountable for making sure that she does what she needs to do in order to find true happiness. You, T, any of us; can only guess and by it's nature, a guess has a higher risk of being incorrect.

This is a PERFECT concern to relate to:
"God (or universe or whatever) Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change....."
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