It does help baby.
and just as your last post triggered a sense of unease - so too has this one. I will contemplate and find what is bothering me about this and discuss it both with you and on this thread.
I think for now, a large of degree of what is leaving me uneasy is the sense of dependency I feel. Um.. how to explain...
I also say from past history; FlameKat proved that she could not love him with out taking away from the quality of our time shared. T has spent so many years in misery that he demands someone meet him in the shadows to convince him to step forward; not compromising for the needs of anyone else… he has been hurt too deeply in the past …. That said FlameKat would have to depart often from me emotionally in order to guide him to our common ground. Which I think was proven with how things went before we knew what was happening. Also I am too willing to go along as I did in the past; accepting what others want despite the pain I hold inside. This is not a good mix… FlameKat would be burning her candle as it were at both ends to love us both … T and I are very demanding in similar ways when it comes to love; desiring equal effort put into loving us that we offer those we love. Because of that ‘flaw’ and I admit in some ways it is … he or I would always be feeling she is not loving us enough whenever she had to focus on the other for time … this in my mind is a recipe for endless pain and struggle.
That quote above is something we have gone over many times, and I still say it is an unfair assumption to make. That because of my behaviour during a period that was absolutely awful in terms of stress, along with not realising fully how I was starting to fall in love, and also not realising how deeply my behaviour was affecting you - because you weren't being as upfront as you could about your feelings... we would be unable to make this work. I think that with open eyes, minds, and hearts we could as long as we all communicated. Neither of you are the type of people who would demand of me if I was unable to give.
The picture in my mind I get from your quote is of me in a 50's style outfit, running back and forth between different rooms in a house, hair all frazzled, desperately tired, with speech bubbles from each room yelling out "you're not loving me enough, he better not be getting more"
Neither of you are that childish. And if either of you thought I was tired you would be doing what you could to give me what I need, be that space, time or a backrub.
The comment about T and shadows - I will leave alone for now, we have our differing opinions on that and we are most likely both right (you because you know him so well for so long and know his deeper character, and me because I know how he was thinking just before he cut us off and know what/how he wants to be (at least what he was telling me anyway)). I also don't want to get bogged down in a discussion about T himself, it is a moot point, as he is unlikely to come back and I am working on letting him go.
Although I do want to add, that it strikes me as somehow unfair? (not the right word - but the only one coming to mind right now) that you expect T to reach out to you, when just as you are upset with him for not talking to you about this whole mess - you haven't talked to him about the mess either. And I know that there is a whole history there that I don't understand/appreciate but I find it frustrating. And to make it clear - no I don't expect you to call him or him to call you... I just find it bloody frustrating.
Anyway, moving on...
the token exchange you use for your example... we have already discussed the concept that for the purpose of your analogy I was born with duplicate tokens and only discovered that fact due to this mess. I think it's worth trying to assimilate that notion.
It scares me that nothing we have done together since then; shared since then has eased the loss of his presence. If he never comes back; will FlameKat always be waiting for him to knock on our door? Will the dreams we created together for our family ever be good enough? Will she ever be completely Happy? Am I holding her back from true Happiness?
I really hope I am not making you feel that our dreams are not good enough baby... Our dreams and plans are what is holding me up... the life we plan together, the love we share, the depths of love we are reaching together...
The journey with you is where I want to be, if at some point we are joined on that path then... great, if not, then at your side is where I want to be.
I don't how else to reassure you right now, I love you so.
I have more to say but will leave it for now, as I want to get back to you in person on Skype
damn this speech thingy...