Staring into the Fallacy of the Reflection I Believed was Me... Part 5 of 5
My basic thoughts in the now…
• I still struggle off and on to explain why FlameKat and T fell in Love; in some strange attempt to give it a value that does not amount to how much FlameKat and I love one another.
• I still struggle with understanding why I wasn’t enough for her anymore; that she needed to confide in someone else; when she had been able to share everything with me before … or my perception of everything I guess. I do understand that we all have things that are harder to share with anyone and sometimes those things aren’t even shared with ourselves subconsciously.
• I still struggle with my rigid concept of love … my mind and heart are born from the traditional love story … Two people that would do anything to be together and for each other. That how I view the essence of love in people … we are born with a ‘token’ as it were. This token is what someone gives another they fall in love with. They only have one… it cannot be copied… it cannot be split without losing a part of the gift it represents. When someone falls in love with another and that person becomes the guardian of another’s ‘token’; it is changed, becoming more complex … changes perhaps appearing in the form of scratches or jewels depending on the experience. When love fails the ‘token’ is returned to its owner; sometimes in a very damaging way … so much so that we must take time to repair it before trusting another with its care. When FlameKat and I met … we both had this similar perspective of entrusting something so unique of ourselves with each other. I would describe how I felt when she was spending more time with T and our time was less rich … to metaphorically describe. She and I believe that my token was with her and hers with me … but there was moments I could not find hers and was only looking in myself and her to locate it; but eventually it would turn up. FlameKat I believe did not realize she was passing her token periodically to T as it was wrapped in such a way that she did not see it as her token but more of a reflection of it. When we realized what had developed; I could see things about FlameKat’s token that I had no recollection of adding. From my perception … in wanting T in our lives and her loving him as much as she does me … a couple of my perceptions were that she is still the holder of my token but periodically asking me for hers back; then asking me to hold mine for a moment while watching her walk over to T and exchange with him. Going back and forth over time… OR … she is holding both mine and T’s tokens while splitting hers in two; leaving me with less of what she had gifted me when we first fell in love; while she holds all of what I have to give. I know this is a rigid concept and Im not saying its right … but it is how I see things at the moment.
• I know how much FlameKat loves me. It is the first time I can say someone has reciprocated the amount of love that I can give. But I hold to this argument… that she, T and I are passed the point of having a healthy relationship together. Because of his inability to be open; his presence would leave FlameKat struggling between us and me doubting even the smallest of things. I also say from past history; FlameKat proved that she could not love him with out taking away from the quality of our time shared. T has spent so many years in misery that he demands someone meet him in the shadows to convince him to step forward; not compromising for the needs of anyone else… he has been hurt too deeply in the past …. That said FlameKat would have to depart often from me emotionally in order to guide him to our common ground. Which I think was proven with how things went before we knew what was happening. Also I am too willing to go along as I did in the past; accepting what others want despite the pain I hold inside. This is not a good mix… FlameKat would be burning her candle as it were at both ends to love us both … T and I are very demanding in similar ways when it comes to love; desiring equal effort put into loving us that we offer those we love. Because of that ‘flaw’ and I admit in some ways it is … he or I would always be feeling she is not loving us enough whenever she had to focus on the other for time … this in my mind is a recipe for endless pain and struggle. If this wasn’t the case I think the next most likely would be me accepting FlameKat’s love for T; allowing it grow while letting the feeling inside myself grow that she was drifting away … and eventually having the perception that I was in the way of their love.
• I’m not saying what I think makes sense; but the passion and loss that FlameKat has displayed for T …. And the fact it has not lessened in the nearly 6 months time … scares me. It scares me that nothing we have done together since then; shared since then has eased the loss of his presence. If he never comes back; will FlameKat always be waiting for him to knock on our door? Will the dreams we created together for our family ever be good enough? Will she ever be completely Happy? Am I holding her back from true Happiness?
I think I have to stop writing now. My head is pounding badly.
I hope this helps baby. I’m trying so hard.
I love you so much FlameKat; I will always be yours.
I am a better man for knowing you and my dreams become reality for loving you.
True Love is Eternal
Engaged to FlameKat