Staring into the Fallacy of the Reflection I Believed was Me... Part 4 of 5
• So time passes … talking… working through thoughts and feelings … I get to Australia and FlameKat tells me she has been watching your MSN picture (Which she showed me) and Facebook profile photos change. Ok I’m confused man … You say that you can’t talk to us anymore … so instead you play mind games … knowing that because we have no real answers to why you left … she will be checking your profiles for any clues to how you are doing. So did you think that the Eye with the Tear drop and Heart shaped pupil was going to have a positive effect on us? … WTF? … Obviously you have been checking FlameKat’s profile too in order to reach out in some way to her still.
• When FlameKat was in Canada; we worked through a lot … and we had to talk a great deal more after she wrote the letter that she eventually sent to you. Which I was honestly surprised you cc’d me on your response to. Despite all your cryptic picture messages prior to this; you still restated that there could be no relationship between you and FlameKat.
• So to further your strict no contact decision; you send her a Merry Xmas email … and once again I warranted nothing … The picture you started painting; or rather were forcing me to paint myself; because I wasn’t told anything … was that you miss FlameKat greatly but well I guess 20+ years doesn’t mean much with me.
• By the New Year FlameKat and I had started getting back into a more settled state and understanding how to work through the things that had happened … by talking of course. … then … low and behold … you pop onto MSN to talk to her; in a no contact sort of way mind you … reopening our wound AGAIN! Also this couldn’t have happened at a better time when I just found out the day before that a close friend had died in his sleep.
FlameKat has written a response to your most recent email … but I asked that she wait to send it and allow me to email you first.
So it didn’t occur to you that you hurt her until she put it in writing? Also it feels wonderful knowing that she is missed deeply … just for the record … you fucking hurt me deeply man … I can’t help but wish there were times you almost called me … but I find it harder to believe as time goes on. I don’t know if you feel how you handled things was wrong … but if you haven’t realized what you are doing now … it is just as wrong if not worse. First you say goodbye to me with no words to her … now you are trying to say hello to her with no words to me … Jesus Christ!
Ok, I think I’m done ranting …. I hated talking to you this way man; but I couldn’t let this sit anymore … I don’t know if I’ve ever been this angry and I never thought I would be directing it at you. You can’t keep straddling the fence like this … you made a choice that quite frankly sucked … we are all hurting for it … if you feel you can’t talk to BOTH of us … then to put it bluntly … stop this fucking around and give us the space we need … to be clear I am not giving you an out … we BOTH miss you a lot regardless of how pissed off I am … FlameKat also has anger of her own. On the other hand if you want to repair your friendship with FlameKat … the only way I will be able to accept that is if you put an equal effort into working things out with me. If the three of us can’t talk things out together this will never be sorted out properly. I have also considered the possibility that in YOUR point of view … too much damage has happened between you and I and you are no longer interested in having a friendship with me and only with FlameKat … that would hurt immensely … but if it is the truth I want to hear it.
Bottom Line … I ask again … ‘What do You Want?’
Tell me why you felt you had to leave … I really want to know what the reasons were and how you came to the decision you did … because from the way you’ve been acting the past few months … I don’t think you agreed with that choice from day one.
-I’m not sure if FlameKat has included T’s response to this email; so I will append it here:
I appricate your honest as I always have Waterwolf, your words are strong as is your heart. I have caused you much pain and anger and there is no answers I can give you that will change that. You are certainly missed and I deeply regret that I have caused a continuation of the hurt you are feeling. I've made some big missteps in not letting go and this 'stradlding the fence' has caused even more anger and resentment. Rightly so and shame on me as its very hurtful to you both.
It took all I had to say goodbye to one friend and I could not find a way to say goodbye to the other. I lost that chance and have done more harm since in trying to express that regret.
Your words paint a clear picture of your thoughts, very powerful, that has always been your gift. Go in peace my friend, I will cause you and yours no further hurt.
-Flamekat then sent her response which I know is posted on one of her threads. She and I continued to talk through things. T responded, agreeing to chat on MSN with FlameKat if I was ok with it. I said I was with a few conditions that I believe FlameKat has mentioned; but for sake of ease I’ll include my response here: (edited again to exclude names)
Yes, I'm ok with that.
I think in order for any of us to reach some form of closure; this needs to happen.
And if there is any possibility of a fresh start; whatever that may be; this needs to happen.
I would just make two requests.
1.) That this doesnt happen until after FlameKat gets back from her work trip next week.
2.) That if the two of you come to some decision for all of us to try and repair things; that at least the first conversation toward that goal be a conversation that includes all three of us.
-FlameKat and T had the conversation. I asked if I could see the conversation. She was very reluctant as she did not want me to see things that would likely hurt me deeply. We discussed for a while and I was not going to insist she show me; and would respect her choice not to. But as we debated I did my best to convey the importance of being able to share it. Eventually FlameKat sent me a copy of the conversation and I admit reading it hurt; but I think it was a necessary hurt to assist me in understanding more about the pain FlameKat was struggling with.
-We talked more afterward and I expressed that I was concerned how the conversation ended; that they didn’t really say goodbye. Which triggered me again; feeling that it was an easier task to do so with me. Also the end of the conversation meandered into what I would expect to be the way they used to chat; more flirty with very direct innuendo toward them meeting. I was angered again by how he contradicted himself again and again… saying he could not be in our lives but then stating FlameKat could not send the ring she got for him in the mail; it would have to be given in person. The conversation then went to FlameKat saying the next time she was in Canada she would be at his door to do so; and he added that maybe he would make a trip overseas for a vacation.
-Venting moment …. AM I A FIGGIN JEALOUS INCONSIDERATE A**HOLE? Please someone tell me now… am I wrong for getting f**king p**sed off about what T is doing? And I know someone will say why am I only mad at T … but I’m not … I have told FlameKat how mad I am at her too … but she isn’t playing games in order to protect herself … she is putting herself out there regardless how difficult it is … AND HE ISN’T!!!! For all the years I have known T he never states something he won’t commit to. These past months have been the exception… ‘The power of Love, eh?’ … so him talking about a trip shouldn’t bother me; but all the past history of who he is brings me to being scared again … ‘What if he were to show up at FlameKat’s door?’ I would lose it… I would have no idea how to cope and I know it would be just as tough for her. Not wanting to turn him away; but knowing if she didn’t it would tear me apart. So Im left with the doubt of not knowing the outcome … but as FlameKat keeps gently reminding me … I have to stop hanging onto the What If’s and just trust in our Love. As much I I struggle with things …. I do trust our Love and her and us … we always come back to center.
So all that said…. I apologize again for the length; but in my defense I hope to be a writer someday. Lol
True Love is Eternal
Engaged to FlameKat