Staring into the Fallacy of the Reflection I Believed was Me... Part 3 of 5
-My anger was beginning to swell; and I was making myself believe the source of it was T’s betrayal… I know in myself now that isn’t true. I think the roots of my anger grow from the feeling he was able to say goodbye to me; he could not to her…. Equating in my mind that a farewell to me was less painful … and that he was able to hold to that decision and omit me from his life while still grasping at the threads of his relationship with FlameKat. I think that T believes the same thing I do; that attempting to make this work between the three of us would fail; leaving all of us scattered or all of us permanently scarred deeper than we already are and one left on their own.
-To continue… the ups and downs continued between myself and FlameKat. We kept talking and working through things together ….Gods I love her so. That is something that has always been so amazing about what we have …. We can talk about anything… some things may be extremely painful like this… but there is an openness I have never felt with anyone in my life until her.
-As most I’m sure; I tend to be physically affected when I am emotionally upset … can’t eat, can’t sleep right, work suffers and going out to socialize becomes a virtual impossibility. New Years morning FlameKat and I started a deep discussion that we did not get to finish before I had to leave for work. I was supposed to get together with my old friends; friends I had not seen in years. Because I could focus on nothing else; I chose to ditch out and come home New Years eve so FlameKat and I could continue to talk. I would catch up with my friends another time I thought. FlameKat and I made more progress in working through things.
-A few days later I receive a call from one of the friends from the party I was supposed to go to on New Years. He was calling to tell me that another friend from that same party had just passed away in his sleep. I cracked; breaking down into tears …. I had not cried this hard in years . The friend that had passed was a very dear one that I had decided in myself, that I would reconnect with. The last time I had seen him was 2 years prior; the night before I tried taking my own life. FlameKat was once again the amazing woman I love so much… she helped me deal with the pain. I was given the honor of reading one of the eulogies at the service… this gave me some measure of closure in the loss.
-In the days leading up to the funeral… T contacted FlameKat again. This time on MSN not email. FlameKat did not see the message until he was signed off … so did not have the chance to reply. Another day or so T emailed her; apologizing that him contacting was just causing hurt for all of us and that he found himself thinking of excuses to reach out to her. I became furious … I believe at one point I exclaimed that I just wanted T to F**k off. FlameKat composed a response and let me read it. It was a response that again was understanding toward T’s feelings; attempting to encourage him to talk and that he could contact FlameKat whenever he liked and of course that she missed him. I asked that she not send until I had the chance to write to him first; I wanted to be blunt and get the feelings I had off my chest. FlameKat understood and saved her email. I also asked that we wait a day or two to see if he would respond to me before she sent hers.
Here is a copy of the message I sent him: (edited to remove names and swears)
These past few months have been difficult for FlameKat AND me; for several reasons. Having time together but then having to say goodbye again; knowing it will be sometime before we see each other again. The hoping but still not knowing the outcome of our court battle of course … but I’ll be honest the most stress has come from the way YOU cut us both off in October and what actions followed. Before I go on … I’ll warn you that this letter will be filled with a significant measure of anger and I am finally going to cut to the chase with you.
That last night you called me; you started the conversation with ‘Waterwolf, tell me what you want to happen … what will make things right … because they aren’t cool right now.’ I have thought back on the conversation many times; to best of my recollection and discussed it at length with FlameKat. One of the things that stood out was why you bothered asking me that when it seemed before the end of the call you had already decided what needed to happen. I also clearly remember your words cutting … when you said … ‘at the end of the day Waterwolf, I don’t care if you are ok with this; or if FlameKat is ok with this … I have to do what I feel is right and ... ‘, well you know the rest. I know you have always held your cards close to your chest in regards to your deep personal thoughts; using vague examples and scenarios in order to avoid actually revealing what it is on your mind. I also acknowledge that over the last few years I likely have lost your trust in talking about these things; because I am probably a cause of some of them. It must be nice to play it safe like that while everyone around you spills their guts; sharing their deepest thoughts and feelings without exposing yourself and objectively sit back to give advice. Don’t misunderstand I know for a fact you go through immense internal anguish; trying to sort things out on your own; and I do that myself … except the difference is I eventually reach a point of talking … because I WANT to. I have always been willing to share my deepest fears, desires and hopes with you and never questioned how one sided our sharing was through the years; and even allowed myself to feel guilty many times for burdening you with them and not being allowed to return the favor. There have been so many times in our friendship you have made me feel guilty for small and bigger things; and when you made this decision in the vague way you left it … FlameKat and I could only speculate the reasons ... here is a sampling of the chaos you left us reeling in…
• Was FlameKat getting to close to you despite your requests to place boundaries?
• Have your feelings grown past a point that you want more from your relationship with FlameKat and were fearful you would cross the line, betraying my trust?
• Were you offended when you heard that I was getting uncomfortable about the frequency of and depth of your conversations with FlameKat?
Other things you said in that conversation, like when I said ‘If it was any other guy talking this much to FlameKat I would be concerned; but because it’s you … it’s ok … I trust you and I trust her’ … you responded with ‘I wouldn’t Waterwolf’ and ‘I haven’t been a good friend to you’ … Those words left me feeling that it was the second point mentioned above. But when you said ‘this isn’t cool’ … that left me battling with the ideas that it ‘wasn’t cool’ because you fell in love with FlameKat and were getting too close, OR that it ‘wasn’t cool’ because I couldn’t handle your friendship with her and it was causing stress between me and her. Therein lies the guilt you left me with again; feeling the possibility that my insecurities; forced you to make this choice. Another phrase that sticks in my mind is, ‘Waterwolf, have you ever known me to make rash decisions?’ … and I answered ‘No’ … and that may be true … but there is a first time for everything.
FlameKat and I have spent so many days and nights talking and crying together and I know you have had to deal with your own measure of pain and tears in all this. But honestly I have not found it in me to feel sympathy for you T; this was not your choice to make alone … but yet you made it anyway … governed by fear wrapped in some grand gesture of nobility … ‘I honestly wish you both the best Waterwolf’ … you didn’t just cut yourself off from me and FlameKat … which is the only part you really considered … I don’t think I need to make a list … you know how important you are to my brother and that your family has always been my second home. At first I wanted to honestly believe this had been an honorable choice … you cared that much for FlameKat and me … but your actions to follow painted a very different picture and that is when my anger began to grow.
So I put this question to you now man … ‘What the hell do you want? What will make things right?’
• You call me; to tell me that you can’t talk to FlameKat or me anymore. When I was already feeling that our friendship had so little value anymore to you… because you could put so much effort into talking to my girlfriend and there were times I would have to leave three messages to get a call back ….well, when you said that … you threw what was left right out the window.
• You don’t pay FlameKat the same courtesy call… leaving her to try and shrug it off and comfort me. The first thing she said after that call when I asked her if she was ok was ‘I only care if we are alright honey’. But then the next day she was so conflicted with sadness and anger at herself for missing you so much and not knowing why; and fearing that her heart was betraying what we have. She nearly gets in a car accident … makes it home … and comes online to me in tears. When I found out what happened; my heart was ripped out … seeing just how deeply she felt about you; while all I could do was be comforting and hold back the loss I felt in that moment.
True Love is Eternal
Engaged to FlameKat