Staring into the Fallacy of the Reflection I Believed was Me... Part 2 of 5
-I started to dive bomb a little emotionally, feeling as though my best friend couldnt talk to me anymore and was avoiding me; but could talk to my girlfirend (and he said 'it isnt good that I talk to your GF more that you..') and also my girlfriend seemed to melancoly and distant whenever she was online with me (i'll clarify) there would be times I would wake up in the middle of the night and FlameKat left the video running from our call. Ihad just spent the previous evenings with her looking miserable and there she was beaming, laughing and giggling to who she was typing to. When I would left her know I was awake and inquired; I was always T she was talking to. I couldnt describe the hurt I felt in those moments.... but it was immense. But I struggled not to bring it up; because I trust FlameKat and T so much... that I felt it was just old fears and paranoia eating at me. We would have occasionaly discussions... but nothing to deep about it. I still had not considered the possibility that FlameKat was falling for T; only that he may have been for her. FlameKat also started getting more abrupt with me and less willing to talk about things bothering her as quickly; or too much time would pass and we would forget the subject.
-One of the rare times I was able to go out with T; he came by my place. FlameKat was on video call with me. He sat down to chat with her on video while I got ready. Once I returned to the laptop we all talked for a bit and T looked on; saying he felt like a 'voyuer'. Everything was ok until flameKat had to stand on the chair to get something above her laptop. putting her midsection and legs in front of the camera. This was nothign abnormally as we both had grown accustomed to the camera like it wasnt there. I looked over to T and he had an expression I have only seen when he oggles a woman he thinks looks good. He totally had that look of 'Oh yeah...I want that' I kep my cool; but when he noticed that I was looking at him he stammered and said something lame, about never seeing someone having to stand on a chair to reach a curtain before. I mentioned this to FlameKat later that day when I got home and she didnt react the way I had hoped. She blushed and had a somewhat pleased look on her face while trying to say it was nothing and down play it again.
- It was not long after that; during a night I woke up unexpectedly. FlameKat showed me a picture she was making. If depicted a Fairy (I call her my Pixie) with a Dragon in her hand under a giant Archway and down on the side of the picture were two wolves. I'll explain the meaning of the wolves; well how I interpreted them. FlameKat has always called me her 'Werewolf' and T usually puts a wolf as his profile pic on FB. so when I saw the TWO wolves it hit me again. Right after that she told me that 'The were no Boundaries between her and T' and asked if I knew what that meant.... further explained no mental, emotional or physical boundaries. I think I reacted as ... so do you what to go out with T? or are you feeling physically attracted? She said no at the time. I was left unsettled at that point and FlameKat was very uncertain as to how to define her relationship with T. What really scarred me was when I asked 'Do you Love Him? or Are you IN Love with Him?' FlameKat didn't know.
-Shakily we proceeded taking when upsets occured and doubts or questions arised. It was very up and down... but each time we always end on a positive strong note feeling an understanding between each other(FlameKat and myself that is) T still had not been very available and I could not raise my concers with him for fear I would insult the trust of our friendship.
-I would periodically suggest to FlameKat to try easing back on the frequency of communication between her and T; as she at one point was concerned for T's feelings. (Later finding out that she had been encouraging more contact from him rather than letting him gauge the amount on his own; knowing my discomfort about it)
-This finally mounted into T calling me and asking me what I wanted because what he was doing with FlameKat wasnt cool. Although it seemed like he was looking for my input or maybe just for me to get raging mad at him. But I didnt; I pleaded that we could all work this out and talk and things woudl be ok. I said that if it was any other guy; I would be terrified right now; but because it was him.... I trust him not to hurt me. He decided that he could no longer speak to me and FlameKat and the call ended shortly after. I was left feeling respect for what he had done and a calm ... knowing I would miss him so much but releif that the problem was over. (or so I thought .... again so naive) FalmeKat was calm when I told her and appeared focused on us.
-The next day when I got home from work FlameKat was in tears. She had just returned form drivng the kids to school and was almost in a car wreck from crying because she missed T so much and that he didnt say goodbye hurt so bad. I stuggled inside myself to be as supportive to FlameKat as I coudl as seeing her cry over the absence of my best friend tore me apart.(How she was reacting is how I would have imagined her to react losing me.... not another guy while still in love with me)
-FlameKat started wearing the ring she had bought to match a ring for T the day after. Until that point she only wore the promise ring I gave her on my first trip to Australia. The knife went deeper; but I did my best to not make it any more difficult for her; I could see the pain she was in.
-Not a great deal was dealt with, we had several talks and FlameKat respected my wishes to keep the communication barrier in place between her and T for now. I traveled back to Australia for the court case to appear on behalf of our future plans and show my commitment. The visit was up and down also; when discussions of T and me being confused that I was there in the flesh; focusing on our family and she was thinking of him. the ring was a physical reminder also; jabbing me when I would hold her hand and intimate contact. One of the discussions we had; were I expressed some of my anger... FlameKat said I made her feel like a Butterfly with its wings pinned to the wall to be analyzed. Gods I hated myself for that and there has been many times since that I have felt the same way for mading her feel unhappy by what I say or do. I am so understanding toward others .... DAMN IT WHY CAN'T I UNDERSTAND THIS?!
-On the day of my departure to return home. It was T's Bday. I was aware of this but was only wanting to focusing on the last few hours with FlameKat and the kids. Days after I return home I found out that she sent a BDay email in the last hours I was there. I was so upset. I asked her why she didnt tell me she wanted to send this after we had agreed to tell each other about any communication. She said she did not want it bothering her in those last hours and it was; also she didnt want to upset me and have a fight. I argued that I felt like an ass; I would have been fine with the BDay email if it could have been from us both ... a united front to tell him we both miss him. Not to spark the issue agian that he had left because of. It just fostered him not talking to me and having a reason to talk to her again. Some of my reasoning may have been flawed; but I think some is reasonable. Never had she done anything behind my back that was considered to likely bother me.
- Shortly there after FlameKat followed me back to Canada again for great 6 week visit. Again we still struggled with ups and downs and this is the time that FlameKat came to the realization of her feelings for T. Sending a letter to bare her sould as it were; intended for both myself and T. She first sent it to me and was not sure if she would have to send it to T; this of course releived me... I was terrified what might happen if she rekindled things with T. That I would lose FlameKat as I always have when ever another guy enters the picture. About a week or two later FlameKat told me she needed to send the letter to T. I uneasily understood. He responded with another somewhat empty email and reinforced the need for us not to speak with him.
- I once again was relieved... but then angered because FlameKat did not accept his response and insisted he was not telling us his true feelings. I said that he has the right not to and how many times do you or I need to come crawling before we can both accept what he is saying. FlameKat stated something that shook me again; that she didn’t know if she could ever let go of this. I asked if she knew the effect it would have on our life if she was always looking back on the horizon for T to come back… it would make me feel that our life wasn’t good enough.
-FlameKat returned home and when she returned to told me that T had sent her an email; wishing a Merry Christmas and safe trip. She replied simply thanking him and returning the Christmas wishes. I was not bothered that FlameKat responded; but I was saddened again that T had only bothered to send thought to FlameKat and once again none to myself. I felt what was left of our friendship slipping deeper and deeper away into the depths. If felt as though T had already decided in himself what he had done was unforgivable and that despite how long we had known each other, he could not speak to me. I found myself asking why then did he go against what he decided and contact FlameKat; did he not realize how much pain and confusion that would cause? I do acknowledge the pain he is going through; my anger makes it difficult to consider it in my reasoning…. And I do know that in large part the reason he reached out again to FlameKat; was that he did not say goodbye to her.
True Love is Eternal
Engaged to FlameKat