Staring into the Fallacy of the Reflection I Believed was Me...
I'm sorry my love, FlameKat ... that I haven't mustered the courage to appear in the forum again until now.
Where do I begin...? (some of what I write here; I may have mentioned previously.. so again I apologize for studdering)
For so long; since I was very young I have always been so certain of who I was, I am and I could be. I've always been confident in my ability to decern right and wrong and that I would never be shaken from my path by the pressures, temptations and beleifs of others ... so naive ... If I have such a clear direction how come at times, I feel like I'm spinning uncontrollably in a vacuum here in this moment?
I've always had the common sense to know that what I beleive in and aspire to doesnt exactly fit in this place we call reality... I hold on tightly to honor, honesty, sacrifice, compassion, humility, courage, devotion, and most of all the importance of love. Each of these aspects are colored by the perfection they are portrayed in fairytales and the like; not in the way they fit into our everday lives. I also have recognized my black and white point of view; if one chooses to do something and says they will ... they hold to it ; and if faced with hurting another by holding to that oath; find a way to turn that pain upond ones self and protect those around you.
....to pause for a moment ... yes I know how much of a lunatic I sound like.
I have never hidden my views; despite any mockary or disagreements... that said I also have done my best not to impose my beliefs on others. But I admit I am guilty of judging others from time to time.... eveyone is... whether they can say it or not. I wish I could cut that piece of me away ... but I can't... it is a part of me just as much as the qualities I like in myself.
Anyways... sorry ... damn I ramble.
These past few years I feel Like i've been in a whirlwind... at first laying mired in a marsh of my own misery from my previous marriage... feeling unloved, taken for granted and worthless. Then events happened that caused me to open my eyes again; begin to struggle free. In that struggle I met an angel (FlameKat) that helped steady my ascent; and I steady hers on her departure from her own sorrow. It was then that I no longer felt alone, I saw a point to ... being and my heart started to fill with hopes and desires again. Together we conquered many battles and obstacles; healing each others old wounds ... trusting and having faith that neither would let the other go for a second.
Regardless of the tough times happening around us, and how far apart we were from each other .. things always felt a constant good; with no doubt. In the time prior to meeting my angel and in the first strides of our ascent; I had already begun to lose touch with most of my friends; only speaking with a handful of them and my family of course. It bothered me daily that I was letting my friends slip away; but was not at a place in my mind, heart or soul to focus on exploring those paths. To be clear I did not have any huge rupture in any of my friendships... it was just simply the passage of time from when we last spoke that increased the gap.
Because I hold such importance to how I treat others I woudl battle inside myself that there would be a reason for them to hate me for doing this and that they were better off in my absence. Also I found myself wanting to focus only on FlameKat and our children ... to establish a storng nuturing foundation for us all and then work on rekindling old relationships.
Without rambling and being blunt here is a breakdown some of the events:
- 10 year Relationship with a hypocondriac woman with low self esteem that dwelled in misery(Married for 4 of those) Also in those ten years there was not one that wnet by with out some major tragedy. I accepted that it was my responsibility to look after my wife and child; that my happiness was irrelevant and that no other womanwould want me anyways ... because I can't even help my wife find happiness in the day.
-My 8 year old son was born from this relationship and is in large part the reason I was able to hold on as long as I did. I love him so.
-Started talking to others and realized that I was missing something; simple compliments made me feel something I hadnt in a long time. I wanted to feel loved again.
-Thougt a great deal on whether I wanted to work on fixing my marriage; spoke to a counseller and came to the conlusion that it was over already inside me.
-Told my wife I wanted a divorce... she pleaded for a 2nd chance... btu from my perspective it would have been the 25th chance... I had always expressed things that bothered me... obviously went unheard.
-I moved in with my brother while trying to support the family bills and the house she still lived in, on my own as she held onto her finances.
-I got involved with a woman overseas online with even more problems than my ex-wife had.
-The weight of debt and the pain I had caused her and my son grew to much for me to bear and finding out my new romance had cheated on me (discovered by pictures posted online) .... I made an attempt on my life.
-The result caused my ex-wife to be more willing to sort things out and help me pay the bills until things were finalized. Also there was a strange calm inside myself; not sure what happened... but I did nto see things as so unattainable anymore.
-Weeks after, I met FlameKat online. She was still going through a great deal of pain and trouble in her marriage. I offered support; as did she help me to find my footing again. Through this sharing a strong bond and friendship was forged. Although I admit there was something between us that immediatly drew us together ... somthing very deep ... best I can describe it was ... that despite how many thousands of miles that seperated us we could feel a presence from each other ... tangible at times ... we still do to this day and it has only grown with time.
-FlameKat sperated from her husband; this was a very frightening time for us both.
-I ended my relationship with the other woman overseas and a few weeks later FlameKat and I decided to commit to one another in a LDR.
-Her eldest daughter did not respond well to this and fixed her up on a date with a local friend. When I texted her that I came home that night; FlameKat ended her date and rushed home. She told me right away where she had been and explained she never stopped thinking of me ... and that she wnet on the date to test herself... so she knew she could do this LDR. I admit because of my past relationship experiences this in the first minutes scared me; be I quickly felt a ease and we were the better for it.
-There was another friend late that didnt want to accept our LDR and continued to compete for FlameKats affection. Because of his lack of respect for us; FlameKat decided on her own accord to stop speaking with him.
-A few monthes later I settled my divorce ammicably
-I made my first trip across the world to see the woman and children I had fallen in love with. It was one of the happiest times in my life; only wishing I could have taken my own son with me. I was able to meet FlameKats friends and family... it all went so well. We spent a month together.
-In an effort to get to know my best friend; FlameKat started communicating by email to T (As he is called in FlameKat's posts)
-FlameKat soon followed after me travelling across the world to visit my home. Again it was so amazing only wishing that she could have brought her daughters and son. She was able to meet my firends and family ... T included.
-The long stretch started to when we would see each other again; nearly a year later. In that time I started to express concern to FlameKat that T may have been getting attached to her; as he had not had the attention of a women for a very long time and the fact she was putting effort to write lengthy emails to him would have meant a great deal to him. She assured me that this was not the case. We had several of these discussions...
-As time went on T became more distant; as did FlameKat. To explain, T was the one friend I kept in touch with; we was my oldest friend that I had known since grade 5. We would get together each weekend that he was in the city. He works a 2 week on 2 week off rotation. He would usually call me once when out of the city. At this time seeing each other in person would stretch to a month sometimes and I would have to call several times to get a callback..... receiving an explanation for the distance as 'he was in a funk'. On the flipside....FlameKat and I are online with each other daily, for several hours at a time... behavior started to change when T started communicating more often and on MSN... Normally FlameKat would be up as soon as or before I got home from work and bubbling happy to see me... evening messaging me at work with flurries of kisses (i would always recipricate of course) Then she began sleeping in for hours; waking only an hour or so before she had to go out or I had to retire to bed for the night and when she was online with me... there was very little talking; she would distract herself with the tv or facebook or court documents ... not breaking for more than 5 minutes to look at me. at the time we had so much oging on with preparation for the family court proceedings... so I naturally assumed it was that and did not push to much to find out if anything else was bothering... even if I had.. I dont think that she woudl have realised at the time what it was.
True Love is Eternal
Engaged to FlameKat