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Old 03-27-2011, 08:39 PM
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ray ray is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 819

I'm so sorry to beat a dead horse but I've been doing a lot of thinking and I could use some input.

Before O broke up with me, there was an incident where one of our training friends cornered me and got me to confess to having a relationship with O. He didn't have malicious intentions, he just got curious and decided to act like a jackass. O was very hurt and after I did my best to explain and we hashed out how we'd had different expectations, I thought he and I were on the same page about what had happened. He gave me the impression that breaking up with me was not about that but that he'd decided to anyway. He said repeatedly that he forgave me and wasn't angry about it.

In his most recent email, O admitted that it as about the incident. He feels that I am unable to keep a secret or understand what he wants in regards to secrecy. He still maintains that he is not trying to punish me. He believes that if our teacher (martial arts) finds out that he will be banned from training. He thinks that I am endangering his social life and hobbies.

I had been feeling very guilty and and what not but last night, as i was attempting to write him an response I had a sudden realization that he may actually just be nuts. And that I'm not sure I did anything wrong.

He believes his logic to be consistent and reasonable.

I will attempt to outline it here so that I can get some opinions.

He believes there's a distinction between suspecting and knowing. In his mind, someone can't know something unless they have evidence, like a confession, photographs, DNA... Until they have that, they only suspect. He didn't mind if people we train with suspected we had a relationship, as long as no one 'knew'.

While we were at training, he would initiate flagrant flirting with me. Groping, banter, pretty obvious stuff. One of our training partners actually thought that when O got married this summer, that he'd married me. I've learned, talking a bit to people, that pretty much everyone has suspected us of having an affair for some time now. O felt that all this was acceptable because it only led to suspecting. He had one or two people come up to him and ask him to his face and he convincingly lied saying we were just friends.

We would act like a couple in public places such as the grocery store or the university campus and while we live in a city, it's more like a small town and it's a miracle that we never ran into anyone.

We both knew that we weren't just going to walk up to some one we both knew and spill the beans. I told him months ago that I am a bad liar and asked him what we/I would do if some one from training confronted me. He said it depended and gave me a few ideas.

Apparently, he had the expectation that secrecy from our training partners would be of the utmost importance. He views what happened as a betrayal, even if he can admit that it was accidental. But he never told me about this expectation. Nor did he give me concrete instructions about what to do if i was in an iffy situation.

He had told me about how A's parents could never find out and we would act more conservatively around them. But he never really talked about that with training and we definitely left lots of clues around for people at training to figure it out. Was it reasonable for me to interpret those things the way I did? Assuming that it was important but not the end of the world?

I feel like he threw me to the wolves by expecting utter secrecy, not telling me, and then acting the way he did around our training partners. Not to mention the fact that they've had ample evidence to ruin us both for months. But no one cares. And I really doubt that he'd get banned from training. I'm not sure how I was supposed to pick up on all this when he never told me. I feel like I acted like a normal person. Part of me wants to say that he has no one to blame but himself. Is that too harsh?

To me, if you want to keep a secret, you shouldn't dangle it in people's faces. And besides, there's never a guarantee. And I though he knew that. That no matter how hard you try, sometimes things get out. I know this is long but I could use some help.
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