My husband and I ride the roller coaster too, as I see many others doing here on the forum. What we are doing is a wild ride. It's HARD WORK! But there are successes here, people who say it is worth it. The highs are higher, the lows are lower -- I've felt so low at the lows it seems like everything is crumbling, disintegrating, final and dead. To me poly is like a phoenix love. It keeps rising out of the burning ashes, over and over. What grows is always something more beautiful than it was before. (We are there today. The highs are awesome!)
My husband took his wedding ring off a long time ago. Yes, our marriage, as we knew it, has died, several times over. We've had the "I'm moving out" fights, that become, "I'm moving to the spare bedroom" to "I'm sleeping in the same bed just so the kids don't suspect anything and get scared." We've grieved and mourned. Then we've even grieved in advance for things that never even came to happen. We DON'T want a divorce. We love each other. We are best friends. For the most part, we get along. We decide to stay together, for better or for worse, then we celebrate a wedding, all over again! Sometimes he even puts his ring back on!
I love the advice you've gotten from everyone the past two days or so. Wisdom here! We are all here to support and encourage each other. I hope it helps when the extreme lows take you to the burning heap, to know that most of us here have been through it, too. You are a pioneer. You are designing your own love life, writing your own story. There is no script and you are making the rules up as you go. I wouldn't say you "shouldn't" have gone with T on that date. It was part of the journey. We don't live in "woulda coulda shoulda" here. This is a "what if?" place. You are right where you are supposed to be. And you have friends.
Love to you and T. You're doing just fine