Originally Posted by meinsb
Its more complicated then that though because I am married with a three year old
There must be something wrong with me, I read that sentence completely wrong at first (as in, your spouse being a three year old).
Other than your partner, I don't think you have any obligation to come out to anyone before pursuing it. However, I can see how you would want to get it out of the way. It would also help if the coming out isn't associated with anyone in particular, nobody will blame that person (thinking they "turned" you poly since it's the first time they've heard about it).
On the other hand, it's always hard to come out, and it can seem pointless when you could live very well without coming out...
Really, it's your call. I can see benefits to both options. Since your wife already knows, that's really all I would have advice about and you don't need my advice anymore :P
I just realised I'm in a similar situation.
Well, originally I came out to my husband, and pretty much nobody else (only one close friend). Years later I started a relationship with Seamus. Then later one I separated from my husband, and lots of people blamed Seamus, not understanding the situation.
Now though, I'm with Seamus, and to a bunch of people who didn't really follow things, I never came out as poly. So if I do it now, I'll do it before having another partner.
And honestly, I want to do it now. I've had bad experiences with coming out too late, or not coming out and being found out and misinterpreted.
But that's really my situation. In your cas,e if you think you might stay mono de facto despite being poly, you might think it's less important to ever come out. You need to consider your wife's feelings as well - my boyfriend is poly and out to everyone, but my husband was mono (then poly-identified to me, but it turned out after we separated, actually still mono) and didn't want me to come out to people who also knew him, as he wanted to be the one doing it when the time would be right. Which happened for some, and not for others.
Anyways, each situation is unique, in my case from now on I want to be open regardless of how many partners I have, however when I was in your shoes I picked the other option, and it could have worked out better if the circumstances had been different.