Lessons learned and questions
So, damn this is long. Thanks for any responses after slogging through this!
So lessons learned.
I learned that I have to always take control of my birth control and std prevention at all times. Should I have known that already? Yes, I was dumb.
Pay fucking attention during sex. Don't drift into happy sex land entirely.
Don't make assumptions about others fluid bonding. Their fluid bonding may not look like yours.
Communicate even when you don't have time, even when it's awkward or weird.
Beloved loves me, even when I fuck up in spectacular fashion.
What I am struggling with.
Why would SW think having unprotected sex with me was ok? Even if I apparently agreed? It really bothers me that he would so casually break a promise - because for me that's what fluid bonding is - to keep each other safe as much as possible from disease and pregnancy. Because he broke a promise, so did I.
I know that he and girlfriend have a complicated relationship and they were not having sex at that time but, so? Fluid bonding doesn't go away when you are not having sex with that partner. I realize that he was likely in happy sex land too, and I seemed to agree that it was ok, so in the moment, he continued. I understand that it was probably not a completely conscious decision. Still I'm bothered.
I'm also bothered by the implications of why he broke fluid bonding. Like I said, it literally never occurred to me that he would want bareback sex with me. He was always really careful previously. So why now? He wasn't having unprotected sex with his primary and I seemed available, contracepted, and agreeable.
I've never felt like I was a substitute, sexually or otherwise, for his girlfriend. It is true that our dynamic has always included acknowledgment that we are sexually involved in part because our primary partners are not always available, because of distance on my part and complicated relationship issues on his. I have no problems being secondary in his life. This isn't a case where I want more emotionally from him, or want to change our dynamic. Until this incident, I have always felt that he wanted me for me, that our connection was about us. But now I wonder.