Continued, Part 3
So I may be pregnant (unlikely, yes, but possible). I won't know until early next month. It's possible that there may be STD issues - also unlikely but not impossible. He was tested in January and came out negative. I've been tested but won't know my results for a few weeks. (Did you know there is no HPV test for men? And that the only way to test women is through pap smears? Again, learned more than I really wanted to know...)
I'm freaked out about the possibility of pregnancy, even if it is very unlikely given my age. I'm very pro-choice but I also know that I am personally uncomfortable about abortion. I would never tell another woman what to decide but I just don't know if I could abort. But I've never wanted to be a parent - neither does Beloved. It's not high on SW's list of priorities either. So maybe adoption? But it bothers me that in a regular adoption, I would not be in the child's life. So open adoption - where I could be the 'aunt' and the child would know who is his or her 'bio' mom from a young age? What about the child knowing my parents? And that would mean that I would have to tell them about the poly thing - currently it's not something they need to know - how to tell them that their lesbian daughter is seeing men now but still adores her wife? I know the chances are low but these kinds of thoughts are keeping me up at night.
I'm less freaked out about STDs, maybe I shouldn't be but I'm not as worried. I really regret not having an explicit conversation with SW about this beforehand. (Oil Man and I are having the talk about this next time I see him.) He's tested negative and I tested negative for HIV in February and will see about everything else in a few weeks. I meant to go get tested earlier but we were using condoms and then life got crazy. My risks are really low - lesbianism helps here but no excuses, I was stupid.
Beloved is, to put it mildly, not happy. She was a sex educator for a while and STD prevention is really, really important to her. It keeps us safe for each other - this mistake betrayed our agreements. She loves me, we are not in any danger of breaking up over this but I feel like a shit. I can't fix this except by not doing it again and building up trust again. I screw up but I never make the same mistake again.