My two cents
I hate to ever see love fail and I wanna tell you to make it work but that would be biased advise! Honestly....polyamory isn't for everyone, that much is clear! What it takes to be that way? I don't know....people in the community are either this way by choice or by nature! For me, I'm this way by nature so I can't tell you how to make it work for you but what I can do is tell you that it takes TRUST and HONESTY from both of you! You say you have it but if you really had it, her being with him or even loving him wouldn't bother you (and maybe she doesn't have it either....I mean she did lie, SHAME ON HER)! The key component you're missing needed to make polyamory work....SELF-ESTEEM! That's what makes you able to deal with it when she's out with another person! Self-esteem helps you KNOW that (if) she leaves you for someone else, its got nothing to do with you! So when she's out and you're home, self-esteem ensures you that she'll come back home and still love you more than anything and if not, oh well its her lost!
It seems you're suffering from two problems here....jealousy and your past! Jealousy stems mostly from a lack of self-esteem and your past.....well you just gotta let that go! Don't let your past block your future, keep it moving forward! In closing, ask yourself this....what do you want more? Monogamy or HER? If you want her more then don't try to deal with this situation by acting on your emotions and leaving her! Seek out professional advise, communicate MORE with her and maybe pick up a book or two....I suggest "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy (it helped me, maybe it will help you)
I wish you the best and remember....give it time, don't act on your emotions (accept them but don't act on them, at least not in this situation) cause I'd hate to see you miss out on a wonderful thing!
Last edited by Kraven; 09-21-2009 at 12:22 AM.