Now what do I do?
I've known I was different for a long time, but I didn't realize it was more than just sexually.
My whole life has been long term relationships, and I have never done anything behind my partners back, but I have asked for some very strange things/arrangements up front and honest like. Being honest has given me a life free of cheating and guilt, but begun to take something else away, and thats being who I truly am.
I continually asked my wife during college if we could involve another person in our relationship sexually. She said no a lot, but once in a while thought about it seriously. Overtime, she began to become more closed minded towards discussing it, and I discovered the term polyamorous. Suddenly I felt linked to a lifestyle that seemed to make sense to me, but the discovered was fueled by an interest to have another women in our bed.
I let the whole idea die and gave up trying to involve the other women. A year or so went by and polyamory seemed to stay in the background of my mind. Then about six months ago, I talked to my wife again about it and realized without any motives that I might actually be poly without just a need for kinky sex.
After I came out to her I decided I should let things marinate for a few months to see if I believed myself. What I've found during that time that I do still identify that way, and have begun coming out to close to friends and my sister who is also struggling with possibly being poly.
For now I realize I have zero jealousy in the idea of my wife having other people she loves. I am content staying monogamous while we figure out what to do next, and generally confused about why I am different from other people. Despite loving my wife and never wanting to hurt her or leave her, I realize I am not going to change and would love another if I could do it without hurting her. Right now it would hurt her so I choose not to pursue anything, but this doesn't make me less poly.
I also don't expect her to ever become poly. She is as much a monogamous person as I am a poly, and we seem to respect each other for those facts. But we both don't know what to do now. Months go by and nothing is a problem for her, cause I just suppress my feelings. Whenever I get interested in pursuing something though it gets complicated though. Most recently she agreed to be sexual with another man if it made me happy. This is a nice temporary compromise, and I do enjoy the idea of sharing with her rather than doing something on my own, but none of it ultimately seems to make us both happy all the time.
As a completely new member of the society I am still having a really hard time figuring out what the head on my shoulders is thinking versus what my lesser wise head is focused on. I joined this community to start getting all my thoughts and confusion out in the world to discuss. I can't keep working on this by myself hoping to figure it all out.
Any advice would be great, thanks.