..... My night with T ended on a good note. Man I'm tired. After my meltdown I pretty much locked my office door and wept tears of frustration and anger. I felt completely shutout and shutdown. T made several attempts to talk to me but I was to pissed off and hurt to go there. "fuck off and leave me" alone are the words that come to mind, along with other you hurt me and I want you to know it expletives and phrases. But T being T didn't let that stop her from trying even when I told her she was free to fuck anyone and everyone, but don't tell me about it. I was making plans to move out, you know the plans crazy people make at 5:00am when they're sick, tired and angry. It was all pretty nonsensical to say the least. T finally got through to me and apologized for shutting me down. She explained it was a panic defensive reaction, nothing more. I set her off when I started interrogating her as to why was I the only one researching and working on understanding poly. ( total bullshit, as T has been and continues to do a lot of work learning about this Life change)
We spent the next 2 hours talking rationally about what was going on here and what we could do differently. First thing is....Slow down! I know! Who knew? ( OK, you did.) Going on Ts date what just dumb, no it was really dumb. Won't be doing that again, my bad. All go no quit works well in a fight, not so much in moving from mono to poly. Next; We love each other, life partners, no moving away from that. and finally,We'll spend time researching and discussing poly together at a certain time each day instead of doing it on our own. We;ll still do our own thing online but will bring what we find to our daily talks for discussion.
I have to be careful I'm not making me sound like a victim or a martyr here. T has been and continues to be loving, supportive, caring and understanding of my challenges and emotional......stuff. This can't be much fun for her, She wants to have an Adventure, let another part of her soul out to play and thrive and really, intellectually I get it. Emotionally? Not so much.
I am at a loss truly as to why I am having the problem I am with this. I'm surprised and saddened at my reactions. I expected to be far more open to this then I am. I need to read up on the benefits and positive outcomes of Poly and get my head right.
You folks take care and thanks for taking care of me. I had no idea I'd need this or you, so much.
Last edited by Freetime; 03-27-2011 at 12:42 AM.