Thread: Good times
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Old 03-26-2011, 07:59 PM
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Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Ontario, Canada
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Originally posted by LR on her blog at


He’s not even asking her directly what intimacies she’s shared with Ludwig in his absence! He’s being sneaky and manipulative to get the information. Information that is A) none of his business B) he has specifically requested she not share with him C) is only going to exacerbate his own issues.
He’s being dishonest with himself and with Heidi. In doing so, he is being destructive to the cohesiveness of their relationship. His actions are a step down the road that leads to breaking up, because his actions are in direct conflict with the honesty and openness that are absolutely necessary for a healthy, happy, functional relationship! His choice to use covertcy¹ in their relationship to identify details of her other relationship will be the demise of their relationship; likely if it goes that far he will blame her other relationship, but the truth of the matter is that it is his own actions which are destroying the trust and bond of his relationship with Heidi.
This isn’t a POLY issue, this is a personal issue that Leo needs to deal with. This is an issue that would arise even if he were in a monogamous relationship with Heidi because Heidi would still have contact with people outside of her relationship with Leo. Those relationships would still have activities that he wasn’t always a participant in and they would be right back at his insecurity (about not being ENOUGH for her) kicking into high gear and him asking covert questions about her friends in order to assess the depth of her relationship with them. This would STILL be lying, manipulative and underhanded of him. It would still be disrespectful of Heidi. It would still be leading down the road to a break up because it would still be destroying the trust and bond of his relationship with Heidi!
It’s imperative in our relationships that we take time to :
A) Consider what we are REALLY looking for in the relationship. Only if we truly assess (HONESTLY) ,with ourselves, what it is that we are looking for in a relationship can we honestly address how to get that from the relationship.
B) Tell our partner what we want from the relationship. Only if we are honest and forthright in telling our partner what we are looking for in a relationship can they honestly tell us if THEY are going to be able to have a relationship with us that meets our specifications. (Thus, if we say that what we need is cuddle time and they say they are ok with that; we can only expect that they will give us cuddle time. If we tell them we don’t want to know details of their other relationships and they are ok with that; we can only expect that they will not share that information AND that we should not be searching for that information either.)
C) Hold ourselves accountable to behaving in a manner that reinforces what we (and they) agreed to as the terms of the relationship based on A & B. i.e. if we agreed to not discuss intimate activities with other lovers, we are responsible for not trying to glean that information by subterfuge or covertcy¹!
When we succumb to using secrecy, manipulation and lies in order to create our own sense of security, we are systematically destroying the relationships which we claim to trying to secure! This is self-destructive at best. It’s dysfunctional and can be dangerous as well.

Wow, once again you have hit the nail on the head LR .

This takes me back to my last marriage, the control issues, the insecurities, the putting each other down in order to make ourselves feel better...I saw this stuff at the time but didn't really acknowledge it.

He tried to control me..where I went, when, with whom, who I talked on the phone to, how often I saw my family, what I said to whom & what they said to me......yeah.

I've never really gotten into that here. I don't know what I saw in him way back then but I saw something, something which made me think I could change him. It didn't take me long to see the error in my thinking but it did take me nine years to get out of that marriage . A lot of damage was done to my self esteem and other relationships along the way.

We get along better now because we're not together.

It's taken me six years to get where I am. It's been a really long road to self acceptance but it's been really well worth it.

I now feel better about myself than I can ever remember feeling. A lot of my progress has been due to *gasp* polyamory! I've had to do a lot of introspection and work on myself in order to deal with insecurities (still working on it,really) which has led me to be a better me. I'm hoping this road to self improvement will continue.

On a down side: I've got to go back to night shift tomorrow night . They've laid off back 15 years . Technically the job I last did on nights is not available since they've shut it down for night shift so they, if they want to go by the book, should send me to my next previous posting/job which was on afternoons. Unfortunately the plant manager can't find the paperwork saying I have a post on afternoon's. He's been there less than a year so he doesn't just KNOW this stuff, he has to have proof that what we say is true so it doesn't look like we are just trying to get our own way. I'm not happy about it but there's not much recourse this time. I bought some fish oil pills and melatonin pills yesterday, hoping the melatonin will help me to sleep when my body/mind is saying otherwise, & the fish oil will help counteract the effects the lack of sunlight will have on me.
There are as many ways to do polyamory as there are people practicing it!
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