Don't really know what I'm doing...
I'll try to explain my situation as best as I can and would love if someone could give me advice, reassurance, or anything at all. Have no one to talk to other than the girl in question. This may be long so I apologize in advance.
I am a 22 year old male who has made the decision to ditch my life and go backpacking, travel, see the world and had to leave a relationship for me to be committed to it (this is a non-issue). I have zero interest in a relationship and have told myself this. In that year I have made no attempt at "picking up girls", mostly because I am bad at it.
It has been a year since I left my past relationship and I have met a friend of a friend, 24 year old female, who is a traveler and has traveled. We are so alike it is scary. We start talking about travel at first, and then get into more sensitive issues - religion, life, goals - and surprisingly we don't disagree in the slightest. Never had that before. This girl is engaged to be married in 6 months and so as we progress in our topics of discussion I never sway towards anything sexual. As time passes though we both start to realize some of the things that we are doing aren't exactly in the "lets talk as friends" area.
We talk until 3 and 4 in the morning for a week straight. We watch shows together and text during. We laugh at each other's bad jokes and I genuinely start to enjoy talking to this girl. Eventually the topic comes up of her relationship. They are both travelers and have been separated for months at a time with each other in different parts of the world. She has been with another guy while traveling in the UK and explained that this guy was madly in love with her but she only wanted the sex. Her fiancée actually flew from south america to meet her in the UK to propose and that was when the relationship in the UK ended and they moved back home.
I start to think this is odd of course but I consider myself very understanding and I don't judge her. Eventually she comes out with that her fiancee has actually asked her to go sleep with another man if he cant satisfy her enough. I think she told me this in order to get the conversation going in this direction but I still hold reservations. I keep telling myself "this girl is about to be married, I'm not that guy".
We eventually hang out for coffee before meeting up with friends at a bar. It's great. Spending time with her is fantastic. The night at the bar is awkward but good. Everyone leaves around 1am and me and her sit and talk until we get kicked out of the bar for it to close up a few hours later.
We talk more and make plans to hang out at my place and watch our favourite show we love to make fun off. That night we sleep in the same bed. She is throwing signal after signal after me but I don't want to bite. I mean I do, but I don't want to be that guy. Nothing happens that night and she leaves in the morning.
That day we talk, via text, and it comes out she desperately wanted me to make a move. So now it's on. I am so infatuated with this girl at this point I just push the issues aside and we begin to talk sexually. We really open up about the idea of having a "friends with benefits" relationship and communication is great. She explains her relationship is very different and she needs this. I don't want a relationship and she needs casual sex. So, the agreement is formed and we have to wait a week before meeting up.
We still talk excessively, every day for hours. The night comes and we cant keep our hands off each other long. It was awkward at first but the sex was fantastic. However, I could tell she was confused. As was I. We didn't go into specifics of "what do we do after sex, during sex?". We hold each other, hold hands. Lock eyes and kiss each other for hours, falling asleep for moments of time and waking up lock eyed again and kiss more. We begin to talk more open about feelings. She goes back and forth from telling me I make her feel like she is 15 again and she is nervous every time she sees me complete with butterflies and word fumbling to re assuring that its just sexual.
She went out drinking last night and it seemed as if she was trying to gauge my jealousy of another guy hitting on her at the bar. I am a little jealous but I've never been the jealous type so I don't really bite. It seems to bother her but she brushes it off quick and I get the feeling the goes back and forth between states of feelings beyond sexual towards me and the hard ass, more mature girl looking for sex.
I'm not really sure what to do. We are spending the day together this Sunday to watch movies and just relax for a day together. I can't wait. But is that right? This seems more like a love affair. Is this a normal thing?
The hard thing about it is I'll be out of the country by the end of the year, and so will she. I've turned down multiple relationship opportunities with beautiful women but this one is different. If she was single I have no doubt we would be together. Right now in "our agreement", it feels like we are in a secret cocoon that is starting to change and we both have one hand holding it down and another pulling it open.
I need advice.