Right on schedule, we had our fight last night.
The evening started off well enough. Went to dinner and had sushi and light conversation. He mentioned that Misty was sitting in on one of his classes and noticed that some guy was definitely crushing on him. I let that pass without comment but it really hurt. It used to be me that went to classes with him and now I've been replaced. I wonder if she also sits in the office with him like I used to and if his colleagues assume I'm out of his life. I wonder if he takes her to the little restaurant where we used to go. It hurts to think that I miss all these things and it doesn't bother him at all.
After dinner we went to sit down by a water fountain. Our discussion of what happened the other night with Kali escalated into a heated exchange of the same things we always fight about. We just keep rehashing the same issues and all it does is add more hurt and resentment between us with no resolution. Towards the end I asked him why he picked a fight and he said it was my reaction to his comment about Misty. I had looked away for a second and couldn't help but let some pain show in my expression. It bothered him that I felt threatened and hurt by it. So his solution is to make it worse?
He asked if I'd be willing to talk one-on-one with Misty. I said no because I don't see the point. I'll be gone soon and I really don't need to see this reminder of everything I'm losing that she'll be gaining. He said that he and I will still see each other after I move and it's important to him to be able to talk about the other people in his life. I don't really know what to think of that. He's told me everything from "I won't have any time and we'll probably see each other very rarely" to this. I've never seen a relationship go backwards very well. I imagine that in the beginning I'll see him maybe once a week or every other week and we'll gradually drift apart because I won't be part of his daily life, he won't be part of mine and seeing him will feel increasing hollow and only emphasize how much I miss him in-between until the pain of being with him outweighs the loneliness of not seeing him at all. He, on the other hand, will still have someone to sleep with and love and share his day with and all the mundane details that make a relationship. And he genuinely doesn't understand how much that hurts me.
In her last email to me Misty had said she wants me to move out because it will put us on more even footing with him and make her feel more comfortable. I rage inside thinking of how callous and completely incorrect that is and I resent her for that. I resent her for not supporting my relationship with C and I resent her for thinking only of what she gets out the end of my relationship with C and no thought whatsoever of how I might feel about that. I blame her for her part in causing the scene that lead to our break-up. So no, I don't see anything productive or positive coming out of a meeting with her.
C said it angered him that I could say such things about someone he cares about. But his feelings for her aren't real to me. I don't see it and I don't see them together and I have a hard time believing she's really his girlfriend. It infuriates me that he expects me to be able to see things from her point of view but I don't see him making any effort to see my side and feel my pain.
I couldn't sleep last night and I woke up crying this morning. I think what really hurts is that he won't miss me when I'm gone. He already has someone lined up to slide right into my place. I'm sick of the fighting and I just want to be able to enjoy the last of my time with him and I don't want to waste a single night not being held in his arms. I won't have that anymore after I move but he'll just continue on with someone else. I hate feeling like I'm so easily expendable.