For the last two months, since the end of January 2011, the relationship between OG and my wife have been sexual, and has been following a regular pattern which has not changed much. Obviously she would be seeing him everyday at college.. To be expected, at least for next 3 years anyway. The Friday date night has continued since it began in October 2010, and my wife's staying over at OG's place on Friday night has been ongoing since the end of January.... For some reason, OG and my wife have been comfortable with that, and niether have been expecting or wanting more time together
Now I'll explain some of my feelings and reactions about all of this:
I have met OG on several occassions, and he seems like a very nice man. Just meeting him has put many of my fears concerning him to rest. Sure he is younger than me (which bothers me), but he is no where near the image of perfection I was expecting. he is good looking, but far from some hollywood ideal. He is in good shape, but more in a natural sense. He is definitely not an athletic jock type (another fear). He seems to treat my wife with respect..
OG and I have talked on the phone several times, where we've talked about being the two men in my wife's life in a romantic and sexual way. He has assurred me that he respects my role as my wife's husband, primary and life partner. He says that even though he would prefer to have a more central role in my wife's life, meaning in a V with her and I, he understands that my relationship with my wife comes first so he has not broached the subject with my wife.
My wife has actually been a loving mother and a more mindful and engaged wife. Some how the NRE she has been experiencing with OG has a positive impact on us. She says the feelings she gets from being with OG energizes her to be a better mother and wife.. Our sex life has always been a central part of my wife and my relationship, however since OG it has picked up even more. Some of the best sex we've had is when she comes home after spending Friday night at OG's... She says she wants me to know that I have not been replaced, that her love and desire for me has not lessened. That she is still my wife and she is not going anywhere.
I admit to feeling some negative emotions surrounding this as well...
I feel some intense resentment towards OG, even though I kind of like the guy. Friday use to my wife and my date night, however Friday works the best for OG and in order to have any real chance of growing a relationship with OG, my wife and my date night got moved to Saturday. Which is not a huge problem, but does feel unfair. It feels like it should be the other way around, that OG should FIT into our lives and not ther other way around.
I find it painful (emotionally) to make love to my wife. When I look into her eyes I almost cry at times. Since we were both virgins when we married, the only other man she could have been sexual with has been OG. Looking into her eyes and knowing that she has seen another man naked just guts me. What is she thinking about when she is with me? Does she think of me or him? Who does she recieve more pleaure from?
My wife and I have talked about this, and her truth and honesty (In keeping with full disclosure and having no secrets in our marriage) have been gut wrenching to hear. She admits to finding the sexual relationship with OG to be more intense and enjoyable than with me. She agree's that part of what atrracts her to OG is his age, and that does make a difference when they have sex. His penis is larger than mine and he can maintain sexual involvement for longer than I. She admits to thinking about OG often times when we are making love... Which has been ego shattering to hear. Knowing that sends me into an internal rage againgst OG. Instead of OG being a guy who my wife also loves, he starts to seem like a guy my wife prefers over me.. It hurts so much. But I would rather face my insecurities head on than live in fear of them... My wife assures me that there are many things I provide that OG cannot. She lists my sense of humour, me being well read in a variety of subjects, and my conversational ability.... I am also a wonderul father... Not great compensation for me, after hearing my wife prefers OG sexually.
My therapist has suggested (with my wife's agreement) that I explore the possibility of doing some dating on my own. That maybe having something on the side would help me... The problem is my weight, I feel I don't have the same opportunities to meet women as my wife does men. Part of my writing off the possibility of meeting and dating other women is because my self doubt and bad body image (I am obese), and a track record going back to my early teens of always being in unrequited love scenarios that has NEVER worked out for me (except for my wife of course).
Bottom line, I don't khow this is all going to play out. Sometimes I feel happy for my wife, some times I feel rage and extreme jealousy and resentment towards OG and am tempted to pull the plug on this whole POLY thing. Sometimes I feel closer to OG because we both love and are being loved by the same woman, at other times I resent the amount of time they spend together (5 days a week at school, Friday nights and Saturday mornings etc.)... That is where I am at right now. Sorry for being so long winded. I'll be glad to respond to questions that you have. Any input or advice would be appreciated.
P.S.: Next to my children, my wife and my career, my great passion in life is music (both listening and playing instruments). My favourite musical act is Great Big Sea, which is a Newfoundland folk/rock group. My screen name CaptainKIDD23 is the name of a traditional newfie folk song (Captain Kidd) that GBS does.. Just wanted to put that out there because GBS is something I am almost evangelistic about.. LOL.