Originally Posted by Freetime
Hmmmmm what I"m trying to say here is that I don't know what I should be doing here II. How much more do I have to do? When this got started I signed on here, and got busy.I've worked to overcome any of my old emotional/mental shit that might get in the way of Ts journey and continue to do so. I've paid attention to everything you and the others have said and have done what I can to implement your suggestions. I've helped screen the candidates online, provided security on her date, and continue to be open to this new Idea called Poly.
But it seems that everyday I come up against or experience something I don't understand. Am I whining? Maybe. I just wish I had something to ground me when I start feeling uneasy or afraid. This board is all I have right now, You folks are it.
In the event it's any help, I think the thing that gets most people over that final hurdle is just resignation. And I don't use that term in a weak, despondent manner. It's more a realization and acceptance of reality and rather than wasting time and energy fighting against, we make a conscious choice to flow with it.
Here's what it comes down to.................
When we really love people we want their happiness and fulfillment. (you're doing this now) But there's a possessive/selfish side of us that doesn't want their happiness to come at a cost to US ! And when it comes to love & relationships etc we've been taught it's a zero sum game - which of course is a fallacy. That's a whole topic in itself and not going there now.
But in the end it's this...........
We either are genuine in our desire for their happiness - or we're not. And that has nothing to do with any pain and discomfort it may cause us. Our pain is our OWN problem. Trying to force someone else to alleviate OUR pain eventually destroys the best parts and depth of a relationship. We're effectively holding someone prisoner against their will and best interest.
And at some point, we have the option of just giving that up. Resigning ourself to the fact that IF there is real love and bonding between us that it CAN'T be kept there with a barbed wire fence. It will either survive and grow on it's real merits - or it wasn't real in the first place. Only an illusion. Maybe a hope, a fantasy, a misinterpretation.
So we resign ourselves to find out the truth. And we quit building fences.....
What will be will be.......... and we accept that. We're not some god that has all the best answers for how life flows.