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Old 03-25-2011, 07:03 AM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by borghal View Post
When I read about polyamory and poly/mono relationships online, often the tone is that monogamous people are less evolved and are immature, insecure, jealous, etc. This doesn't make me feel better about struggling to find a way to be happy in my relationship.
Hi and welcome!

First and foremost, there is nothing inherently good or bad in either monogamy or polyamory - they are different orientations/relationship styles, that's all. There are people who swing both ways, but most I think tend towards one or the other. To say that poly is more evolved or whatever is like saying that gay people are more evolved since they are not having children in this already overcrowded world - both silly and untrue.

Quote:
Originally Posted by borghal View Post
He's poly and has some existing relationships that are long-term and important to him, if not the same kind of romantic/partnership love we are developing together.
This made me think whether you have misunderstood him at some point. If these other relationships are both committed and long-term, then what makes you feel that what the two of you have going on is romantic love and with the others it's not? This just seems curious to me.

If you're planning to stay, it's so so very important to stop the comparison game, beginning NOW. I know it's not the way most people are socialized, but let's face it; you have very little information on his other relationships, and even if you knew them, there's no way to really know how a relationship feels like to someone unless you are the one having a relationship. Making comparisons with what you IMAGINE is going on with his other partners is an exercise in futility at best and destructive at worst.

If he has outright said it out loud that you are number 1, please consider that it might be NRE (New Relationship Energy) talking. Do a tag search on that. I'm not trying to bring you down, just saying that being IN love with a new person has nothing to do with LOVING someone more or less than anyone else.

Quote:
Originally Posted by borghal View Post
I'm not sure if I have the right to ask for any "rules" other than that he doesn't tell me details about the other women and he tells me if he starts seeing anyone new.
The ones you mentioned seem really reasonable rules, although at some point, if the relationship progresses, you might start feeling more comfortable or even curious in a healthy, not comparison-making way, of his other loves, because they are part of his life. Informing you of new things developing, for me, falls under the header 'common courtesy'. Also negotiating with previous partners if the desire to actually start a relationship with someone new arises is a fairly common rule.

Beyond that, start talking with him about what you need and what kind of rules, agreements and boundaries you need to be happy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by borghal View Post
I don't perceive that I can even try to work out the kind of primary/secondary structure that I guess people use to develop security and stability, because I am the new one even though I am the one he feels most emotionally close to and with whom he spends the most time, shares regular parts of life with, etc.
I see my poly relationships as wolf packs - there is a hierarchy, but it comes quite naturally based on actual relationship length. New partners should give respect and space to old partners, especially in NRE stages. Beyond that, primary/secondary on other than purely relationship length basis is a really tough concept for me to grasp, but do a tag search on that too if you think that is what you need.

All in all, welcome yet again! You are not alone.
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