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Old 03-25-2011, 06:02 AM
Propast Propast is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Amsterdam
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Hi Ambleew.
First, I'm very sorry to hear about your tough situation. There is always hope, and despite how it feels this is still early days. There is time to adjust patterns & behavior, but it takes work & courage & caring.

My response is clearly coloured and driven by my experiences, so please take that into account in your reading. You'll notice I advise investing in yourself and your combined communication early, and getting outside help, this is based on me waiting too long and trying to do it all myself.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie
I think you definitely should have been fighting for your equality in this situation way before she moved in. It sounds like he made you accept her, he moved her in, he wants to call all the shots. You haven't really been that attracted to her for months now and have just been putting up with this situation. But it is your home as much as it is his, and you should have a say.

What is it going to take for you to assert yourself?
Yes, yes yes! There are a lot of areas here where you're letting your needs (a.k.a. boundaries) get pushed or stepped on. This is high priority to correct early, trust me. I have finally learned that the only time you can assert yourself and "put your foot down" on boundary issues is immediate: the feedback and correction needs to be connected to the behavior, not brought up months later.

The hard part of this (for me) is twofold: WHERE to put my foot down, what are my key issues where I need to stand firm; HOW to do it in a firm but constructive way. I've got WHERE figured out, but HOW is harder - For me this often ends up in grueling fights when I put my foot down on the important things. Hopefully others can advise better.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ambleew View Post
My question is...what in the HELL do I do?? Everytime I tell my husband about these doubts he swears up and down its my PMS talking and that I'm being really mean. (Because I tell him how bad she gets on my nerves and thinks everything she says is bullshit)

We got into a horrible argument before she even moved in. The argument was so bad, I thought he was going to leave me.
Hey! The positive thing here (yes there is one) is that you WERE working on standing up for yourself. You express the problems to him, congratulations!

Now the sad part. He's not listening. Worse, he's finding ways to redirect your assertiveness away (PMS comment) or just forces you to back down rather than helping adjust to meet your needs (which makes you feel powerless and not valued). That doesn't sound like it fits the poly ideal.

That's really got to change, and fast. I lived with this for years from my wife, and it didn't get me anywhere. "Therapy" may not be needed, but real advice from experts on communication and couples dynamics is needed to clean this up. Work with him (he needs to feel engaged) to find books or better yet WORKSHOPS on honest, safe and two-way communication. In this work, don't limit yourself to "poly" resources: It's not related to poly, its related to his/your communication skills.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ambleew View Post
We have only been with her for three months..but to help financially, she moved in a couple of weeks ago. Things have been okay as far as her living here, but I have been having doubts again and I almost feel like it's to late to do anything about it.
Okay, so now this is the situation you are in. It's too late to change how you got here (can't go back and "assert" on your previous decisions). Now you need to apply assertiveness in the correct places to care for your needs. This'd be easier once you succeed in improving the communication flow (see above), but I don't think you want to wait.

What's the idea of her moving in: since it was just to to help her financially, was it just a temporary thing? If not clearly stated, you need to find a way to clarify with firm agreements & deadlines. This will be a hard situation to untangle. So many feelings & priorities now mixed up (her worries about shelter & money, their NRE, your feelings of boundaries crossed...). I suspect this will be more successful if you keep the discussion to facts & practicalities & dates rather than the fact that "YOU WANT HER F*ING OUT!"... let their relationship continue it's natural path in the respectful poly way, but without the added complications of her living with you both.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ambleew View Post
And I may not be the hottest thing..
Woah! This and other "reading between lines" has me very worried for your self-esteem. I too have been very low at times. This is a big topic, too big for here. Some overly-simplified basics: You can find, in your core, things to value about yourself. Spend some time for yourself to find them, strengthen those. Believe in them. Don't let the daily pains get in and destroy them. This is also an area where expert help can be valuable over finding your own way: local workshops on confidence, mindfulness, or self-esteem may help.

You are never trapped. RP suggested getting your finances in order and figuring out your living options. In negotiation terms, this is called your BATNA, "Best Alternative to Negotiated Agreement," it makes you conscious of what happens if you must walk away. When standing up for yourself, having this firm internal ground to stand on will increase your confidence and calmness and clear-headedness, all vital here.

In the end, I say, don't give up and don't delay. Approach the challenge with love and courage, and ask them to do the same. Best wishes for you

Last edited by Propast; 03-25-2011 at 06:05 AM.
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