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Old 03-25-2011, 01:05 AM
borghal borghal is offline
New Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Seattle
Posts: 3
Default Monogamous and in love with a poly man

Hi all--

I just signed up for the forum and am hoping to get some advice or perspectives from people.

About four months ago I met a man through an internet dating site designed to help people interested in exploring kinks find each other. It was supposed to just be casual fun, but we quickly developed feelings for each other and fell in love despite our best intentions to keep things light and fun.

He's poly and has some existing relationships that are long-term and important to him, if not the same kind of romantic/partnership love we are developing together. I have always been a monogamous person, though I am familiar with polyamory due to supporting my grad school best friend's exploration and research into it.

He believes that it is healthier to have multiple partners so you don't put your expectations and needs all on one person. I feel like I'm lacking in some way or that there's something wrong with me because I'm not enough for him in the same way that he's the only one I want to be with. It hurts to think about him being with other women and I have a hard time feeling like I'm special to him. I don't understand how he can say he loves me and want to be with other people.

I don't perceive that I can even try to work out the kind of primary/secondary structure that I guess people use to develop security and stability, because I am the new one even though I am the one he feels most emotionally close to and with whom he spends the most time, shares regular parts of life with, etc. I'm not sure if I have the right to ask for any "rules" other than that he doesn't tell me details about the other women and he tells me if he starts seeing anyone new.

I want to give the relationship time to develop and to see if we can make it work. I know this will require change of some kind, be it me, him, both, or the situation itself. I am open to challenging myself to explore if I can get some benefits from being poly myself or if I can be happy being monogamous towards someone who has other loves and adventures. I'm not sure he has the same openness to fluidity and possibility or if he is just waiting for me to deal with it or not. That is probably not a fair statement, and it is of course my choice to stay with him despite not being completely happy with the sitaution as it is.

When I read about polyamory and poly/mono relationships online, often the tone is that monogamous people are less evolved and are immature, insecure, jealous, etc. This doesn't make me feel better about struggling to find a way to be happy in my relationship. It makes me feel like more of a failure and like all my unhappiness is my own fault, or that I'm an idiot for wanting to give this a shot.

I guess I'm wondering if anyone has any advice on where to start or if this kind of thing ever works out. Any help or guidance would be appreciated.

Thanks. Sorry this is long and kind of angsty.
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