Is anyone wondering how deep the rabit hole goes?
Well so much for the peaceful week. Oh, there's no fight or anything. Yet. But these lulls in the anxiety make me want to let my guard down and be all loving and mooshy. C is very uncomfortable with that. He says I get this look on my face when I go to hug him, all moon-eyed and full of adoration; he hates it. Apparently that's something he only wants when he's trying to seduce someone.
Which is what he's out doing tonight.
I had hoped to talk with him about some of the things in the post above. I hadn't actually remembered those conversations between us until I wrote that. It puts some of these past couple of years into perspective and I wanted to dissect that a little.
But shortly after I got home from work I got a text from him saying he's out with new girl (I'll call her Kali) and I should find my own dinner. He's told me Kali has said that she could never share a lover. But Misty had said she thought poly was just people being greedy and she fell for him pretty damn quick. I have little faith in the strength of their convictions because I keep seeing them throw themselves at C. There's been a couple of others who didn't quite come to fruition, one of which I had a direct hand in discouraging because I wasn't okay with her cheating on her fiancee. I don't really know what is going on with C; I've heard him talk a good game about openness and honesty and wanting relationships that will work long term, but his actions say otherwise.
I know I need someone who is not quite there for me. I need to feel like I don't have all of them and I'm always fighting for more. That's why I thought I'd give poly another shot with C. But this just sucks. I know I have no rights to expect anything from him given our broken-up-but-still-together-for-the-moment status (not that still being together would change his actions in the slightest), but I still want him to be home when I expect him to be home and not out acting like a predator.
That feeling of wanting to be all open and reaching out to him that I felt earlier is gone. Now I'm just withdrawn and disengaged again. Maybe it's best that way.