I know i've been fairly 'all over the place' in my posts. My confused feelings have been made a lot worse by the fact that yesterday and today my husband's away seeing to something. Today, though, we've been in contact, and i'm feeling more secure, and i've been pondering things i hadn't pondered before, due to all the wonderful, helpful, and much appreciated replies.
"So do you have already someone in mind to pursue polyamorous dynamics with? If so, the situation becomes a whole lot more complicated."
Not really. There isn't a guy who i could start aother relationship with. That said I have had feelings for a couple of guys. I've not shared this with my husband, as nothing can come of these feelings, and i don't want to cause him any undue stress while we're seperated. I will tell him though, once we're together again in (hopefully) a couple of weeks.
"The one thing about unicorns is that not all of them are super-interested in being a sexual resource to one partner in order to alleviate their jealousy issues, without getting any emotional feedback in return"
The moment i re-read that part of my post, i knew it seemed so callous. It was meant to explain a sort of...contolled, friendly setup, but it came across as totally 'using' the person, and that is something i truly don't want to do. I'd certainly never ask someone to do that.
"Triads don't alleviate jealousy; they can exponentially expand jealousy issues! Just think of how instead of just one person, you now have two people to be totally jealous of, and they are getting it on without you."
The more and more replies i read, the more and more i'm beginning to regret suggesting the Triad thing. I think i might have been hasty and naive to imagine this idealised 'communist relationship utopia'. It was intended to help my husband with his fears, but you make a point that really hit home with me. If i might be jealous of /threatened by my husband having anoher partner, then how would i react to having to share two people i loved?
"So take all this intensity of emotion and then imagine a situation where somebody is saying beautiful and loving things about someone you also love. Or you see how happy being with someone makes your partner. Are you there yet? That's compersion, or the opposite of jealousy, for you."
That, also, is not an angle i'd considered. This truly is complicated isn't it? lol.
There was a guy, about a year ago, who was obviously 'into' my husband. They knew each other through a forum on a shared interest they had. This guy would drop not so subtle hints about it like...inviting to meet my husband for a 'friendly drink' or adding him on facebook while claiming he didn't have one to other forum members. My husband, naive and endearing as he is, failed to notice till i pointed it out to him. Obviously, i felt threatened by this guy. I was in a monogamous relationship, and had lived with my husband just a few months upto that point. The odd thing is though, despite my intense dislike of the guy, i found myself not bothered by the fact he liked my husband in and of itself, only his disrespectful and relentless pursuit of him.
I'm beginning to wonder, i light of your post, whether i'm actually 'jealous', or rather just scared that my husband might leave me if we opened the floodgates, so to speak. I mean...we have a very relaxed attitude to expressing attraction to other guys. Treading carefully so as not to break the sexual content rule... we both enjoy hearing when the other likes other guys, even our friends. He'll even send me pictures sometimes saying "Oh, i was watching tv and saw this guy and thought you might like him" We take great care to do it in a way that's respectful, reassuring each other so that there's no hurt feelings.
However, i doubt he'd want to be with another man, both because of his nature and the fact he said didn't want additional partners. The Triad idea was, actually, his *2nd* choice of the ideas i discussed with him, and the simpler 'V', with me having the 2nd partner, was his preferred choice before i suggested Triad as a 'fairer' idea.
Redpepper, there is definately a sexual aspect to this. It's not my main moivaion here, but ...put frankly, i've a much higher sex drive than my husband, and though i have never and would never cheat, i find myself not only strongly attracted, physically, to oher guys, but also strongly desiring to *act* on those desires. Not just in the conventional way, but like...a real and deep desire to have a sexual relationship with another guy. I have no complaints about my physical relationship with my husband, and don't want 'more' or 'better', just...i have intense feelings both sexual and emotional for other guys sometimes, and i really want to express those feelings.
When my husband and i talk again tomorrow, i think i'm going to share everything you've all said to me. Not by directly quoting you, i mean the points made, and ideas raised.
I think i might explain my second thoughts about the Triad idea, as potentially way more explosive, and ask if he's still ok with the idea of seperate 'extra partners'. I'll explain how i've thought about being in his shoes, and why i think i might be ok with it afterall, and if he believes it's something he could be positive about if i ensured that i paid him extra attention and ensured he didnt feel 'threatened' by the additional partner. I'm also going to share with him my feelings about my sexual need for another partner. I don't want him to feel 'inadequate' or like i'm being shallow in my desire for another partner, but RedPepper, you've made me realise that i can't downplay it simply to spare his feelings because although it's not my main reason for sugesting this, it does play a part.
Thank you all for bearing with me, my confused rambling, and long posts, lol.
You've no idea how grateful i am to you all.
Once i've spoken to my husband, i'll be back to share and probably peser you all for more advice, hehe. I really do appreciate it. This is such a...crazy time for me right now, and you're all such a massive help right now.
Oh, and Redpepper, there is definately a sexual aspect to this
Last edited by Inbetweener; 03-24-2011 at 05:09 PM.