Wow. You and your h divorced twice? So, you married him, divorced him. Marry again, divorce again. Are you married AGAIN or just living together at this point?
I am divorcing and already receiving alimony. I can live on it if I am careful with my money. If our kids weren't adults, my soon to be ex would also be paying me child support.
There *are* people living in unconventional arrgts in the bible belt, it can be done. If you really want it, you can get it. Takes courage, it's scary. You might want to move to a bigger city in your state, where there are more alternative people. Or heck, move to one of the coasts.
I know you see yourself at age 41 living an inauthentic life, hiding in your erotic daydreams and writing. There is more out there, options you can find if you just have the strength to do it.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley
me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37